A Heart Like His

The greatest surprise I have had this semester has been my practicum. The first night I walked into NCC I wanted to walk right back out and give our practicum site coordinator a call.

I was not happy.

I didn't just not like it- I hated it.

It was mass chaos. I overheard a few of the clients sharing tips on how to "play the system" to get the most services at the most agencies.

I'll admit it, I was cynical and just plain mad.

After all, this wasn't the place I chose. Not even close. I wasn't ANY of my THREE choices.

WHY was I there?

These people were demanding, rude, they smelled and I honestly didn't think half of them truly needed assistance.

Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me.

I found out I didn't have a choice to switch to another practicum. I was stuck. I prayed for a better attitude with the least sincere heart I've ever had.

It's sad and embarrassing to admit it, but it's the truth. My heart was no where close to being Christ-like. Nowhere.

The second time I was at NCC I got an overview of the organization. I learned about the population they served and the services offered. I felt as though I actually understood what I was doing now, but I wasn't very excited about it.

Fast forward 2 months.

Monday night as I walked out of NCC, I had tears in my eyes with the thought of having only a couple more weeks there.

It's amazing how God can change a heart... insincere prayers and all!!

Monday night I had an experience that I think will forever stick with me.

I had the opportunity to share Christ with a drunk man (never thought I'd be saying that).

'W' appeared around 65 years old, had a thick head of poorly dyed orange-ish hair and wore a 3 piece suit and tie covered by a long tan leather jacket.

W was filthy.
His clothes were filthy.
He reeked of dirty body and old alcohol.

And his eyes.
They were so sad.
Some of the saddest eyes I've ever seen.

He staggered into the waiting room and I handed him the last number we had for a Thanksgiving basket.

As I gave him the clipboard with paperwork, our eyes met and a few tears slipped out.
The waiting room was filled with 20+ clients and their children.
Doesn't make for a conducive environment for a conversation.
As his shaky hand gripped the pen, I asked him if he was alright.
He said he felt dizzy.
I grabbed him a bottle of water and another volunteer brought him a packet of crackers.

My heart ached.
Just a few short months ago I would have seen him as a smelly, dirty drunk.
I would have condemned his lifestyle.
I would have done my job, but only because it is my job and not out of a loving heart.
I would have had sympathy and felt sorry for him, but not wasted the empathy on him.

I just love how God changes hearts.
I love how He changes MY heart.

I saw W as a broken man.
Yes, he is a drunk.
But instead of my first thought being "If he can afford alcohol then he should be able to afford food" it was "I wonder what happened in this man's life that caused him to turn to alcohol and I wonder how has the alcohol destroyed his life?"

He was a broken man in need of love, Christ's love.

He was our last client that night. The two ladies directly in front of him were taking FOREVER at the food pantry. I was getting annoyed as we close at 7pm and it was 7:45pm at that point. I had been there since 3:30pm and was tired and hungry.

I went into the waiting room and sat down beside W to look over his paperwork and ask him any questions and information he didn't fill out.

We have a few lines on the paperwork that ask for information about their current situation (basically what happened or what is going on in their lives that caused them to need assistance and brought them to NCC) and then a few lines where they can list prayer requests.

W had both sections blank. I asked him why he was at NCC and he said that he didn't have money for food. He said he is old and will most likely die soon and that he is afraid and that he is hungry and lonely. As I asked more questions, he said that he served in the military and has had a problem with holding down a job ever since. His house was torn apart by a bad contractor and he was currently living in his car.

Regardless if his information was all 100% accurate or not, this man was in need of love. He would mumble at times and could hardly talk due to tears at other times. I shared Christ with him and then he gave me permission to pray with him.

I reached my warm, clean hand over and placed it on top of his. I could feel the dirt and see the layer of filth that covered him.
And it hit me. We are equal at the foot of the cross.
This man is an image bearer of God.
This man is broken.
This man is who Jesus came to save.
This man is a sinner, in need of salvation.

I don't know if my dear friend understood a word I said to him, but I pray that he could feel Christ's love from all of us at NCC. I pray that he can have a longing to know the source of that love and that he will come to know Christ as his Savior.

How tenderly and lovingly God reminds me that He is working on me.
That He is working on my heart.
That He is making me more like Him.

At times I feel like He is beating me over the head trying to teach me something (and most likely because I have repeatedly ignored the easier ways). And times like Monday night, I can feel His gentle touch and hear His voice whisper, "My child, LOVE them." And He guides me as to what that looks like with each person.

I know that any love and any good that was displayed in me on Monday night was not of myself.
Praise God for the work He has done in my heart.
Praise Him for the love He has shown me.
Praise Him for the love He has given me to love others with.

S l o w l y He is making my heart to be more like His.
He is giving me eyes to see pain and brokenness.
He is giving my heart love to share compassion.

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Life.

...is frustrating.

Or Colorado is frustrating.

Or life in Colorado is frustrating.

Or Focus is frustrating.

Or my life in Colorado at Focus is frustrating.

I'm still trying to sort this all out.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here.

I still gasp from the beauty surrounding me when I walk to my car each morning.

As the semester begins to wrap up, I began to reflect on my time here. I pulled up old Word documents I had written my excitement about coming here in. I got out my old journal and read the words of wonder and excitement scribbled in black.

I couldn't wait to get here. To experience life in CO, life at FLI, new friendships, growth.

While this time has been exciting, it has also been frustrating.

I planned to come and brush up on my leadership skills, grow more confident in conversing about my faith, get a stronger foundation about what I believe and why I believe it, acquire some marriage and parenting skills, and make some awesome friendships.

I can say that I have done all of those things. Some more than others. Some more or less that I had expected. I had academic expectations and those have been met.

But I haven't met my own expectations.

This semester has been hard for me.
Not being away from home.
Sure, I miss my family and friends, but I can say it hasn't really affected me while I am here.
The academics are intense.
I've given up on attempting to retain any more information.
I just try to get enough information down in my notes so that when I reference it later I'll know what I was trying to capture on paper.

This semester has been one of refinement.
This was not expected.
I was here to grow and have a mountaintop experience, wasn't I?
It was supposed to be a positive experience.
One of growth- but good and easy growth and not hard and painful.

The first time I realized my frustration with this I was sitting in a prof's office, answering the question, "How has your experience been?"
My answer?
"Not as I expected."
As I thought through this to answer the questions that followed, I realized that it really hasn't been as I expected.

It hasn't been one of those wonderfully, amazingly, great, and happy mountaintop experiences, but it has been a mountaintop experience.

It's been a struggle getting to the top though.
It's been filled with lots of growth, pain and refinement.
My heart feels like it has been opened up, cut, pulled, tugged and snipped and put back in.
It hasn't been enjoyable to experience the pain of growth, but through this experience I have been supported.

I have been given the love, support and grace to be open, honest and real.
I have felt safe to question and struggle.
And while I struggled, I was challenged.
Challenged not to give up.
Not to take the easy road.
Not to ignore this opportunity.

I can let this time pass and just do the academics of it and ignore the change and growth God is doing in my heart, or I can embrace it.

And although it hasn't been easy, I've been embracing it.

I have been learning who God is.
Not just the big, Creator God I learned about in Sunday school.
Not the God of justice in the Old Testament.
Not even the God of mercy in the NT.

But the personal, intimate, able to be known God.

Abba. My Father who invites me to run into His open arms and rest.

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Where to start?

Life is going a million miles an hour here in Colorado. I can't believe that this time is starting to come to a close. I don't even want to think about it.

So I won't.

I'm going to think about all the wonderful things I am doing this weekend.

Friday I have Christian Worldview Studies class with Doc. Leeland. Although this has been one of my most frustrating classes, it's been one of the best in challenging my faith and getting me to really think about not just what I believe, but why I believe it. And this past week I had office hours with Doc and he gave me a free book, so he went up on my list. This book is one I can read at my leisure and not be forced to cover 150 pages a night. I'm thinking I may be spending some time over Thanksgiving break at some of the adorable coffee shops here with some hot chai and my new book.

Tomorrow afternoon at 3pm my small group is watching PRIDE & PREJUDICE! And not just any P&P movie, the BBC, 5 hour version! Oh, Colin Firth! This should end in just enough time for my phone date with Taryn! It's been weeks since we've been able to talk and we've been playing phone tag ever since.

Saturday morning I head to Winter Park to my roommate's house there. Her family has a home at the base of the lifts and she invited a group of us up for the weekend. The group leaves Friday but I really wanted to spend time with my small group (and watch Pride & Prejudice) so I'm heading up on Saturday.

The weeks are winding down with the work piling up.

Life after FLI is still unknown. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and had my next few years planned, and then I got out here and I just don't know anymore. I've been looking at schools and had a tour at Colorado Christian University yesterday. They gave me an application fee waiver so I might as well go ahead and apply to have that as an option. The only thing about CCU is that they only have a Psychology undergrad degree- not Social Work. I just don't know.

And that has become a common phrase heard from my lips "I just don't know".

But God does.

This verse was given to me tonight at small group:

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." -Deuteronomy 33:12

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Lonely.

My wallet is lonely for this beautiful little piece of plastic...



Any consolation gifts may be sent to:

870 Robbie View #421
Colorado Springs, CO 80920

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Angie came to CO!

I know I am overdue in updating this blog. So I thought I'd better post something.

But my friend Angie is here with me.
So this will be short.

Angie arrived in Denver yesterday afternoon and is flying back to IL on Sunday evening.

Last night we went to dinner at Olive Garden then Girl's Night at Kelly Sheehe's (FLI staff) house. Angie had a blast getting a chair massage, foot rub, manicure and eating some delicious food! And making 15 new best friends!!!

Today we picked up my friend Annie and headed to the Welcome Center at Focus. Odyssey is in the basement of the Welcome Center and we enjoyed a special treat at Whit's End. We also got to record our own Kid's Radio cd, which is a part of the Adventures in Odyssey audio program. Annie and I read the script and Angie did the sound effects. We had a blast and I had a small laughing fit in the middle of my lines. You'll have to ask Angie to listen to her copy of the CD we made!

After dropping Annie off, we headed to the North Pole. This place reminds me a leftover 1970's amusement park -one that has had little updates since it opened. We paid way too much money for what we saw, but Angie LOVED it! She got a t-shirt, met Santa, fed reindeer, and had hot chocolate at the North Pole (what more could you want to do?)!! We also sent a post card (marked North Pole, Colorado) to the IW ladies.

We then went to a Fair Trade Craft Sale at a local church where she got some coffee and chocolate- the essentials in life!

For supper, we put some foil on our arms and headed to Chipotle for free burritos. Yes, free! Apparently you get a free burrito (or burrito bowl- which is gluten-free) if you dress up as a burrito. And apparently it counts to be "dressed up" as a burrito if you have a 2 inch strip of foil around your wrist.

It's been so good to have Angie here! Each time we go outside I hear, "WHOAH!" as she looks up at the mountains! I love it!

Well, I'd better get back to Angie. It's only 8pm here, but I think we're both going to head to bed soon. Tomorrow we are headed to Denver for church so that means an early morning.

This next week is full, so no promises for a real update. I've got some pictures to post, so if I have some time I'll get those posted.

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Goodbye Common Sense

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home without the burglar suing you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing." -Political Disgust

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JellyTelly - MOMs check this out!!

The third Friday of each month is chapel here at Focus on the Family. Every employee is invited to attend so they shut down the entire ministry from 10am-12pm (even the bookstore and Welcome Center are closed) so we can all gather in the "chapelteria" (chapel + cafeteria) for some worship and to hear an amazing message.

Friday was chapel and the chapelteria was full! This weekend was the Prayer Summit for the Annual National Day of Prayer (held the first Thursday in May). Shirley Dobson organizes and heads up the National Day of Prayer and invites all of her regional and state leaders to Focus for a weekend of planning and prayer. With all the added guests, Focus was buzzing on Friday. The Summit has some great speakers, one of the most entertaining being Phil Vischer (creator of Veggie Tales). During chapel Phil shared with us a new ministry: JellyTelly.

Now I grew up on Veggie Tales (ok, so I was a little old when Veggie Tales first came out, but I still learned many life lessons from them), but they have had to revamp things for this new generation.

Take a look at Phil's new ministry:

JellyTelly

This is the sample they played for us in chapel. It's not what I was expecting from the creator of Veggie Tales (it's just a bit less computer-animated that I expected) but they have a great concept filled with great material! I'm a little out of the children's entertainment culture, but we all got a good laugh out of this. I can totally see some little bodies moving and bopping in front of the screen to these songs.

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Prosperity Gospel

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