My unintentional heart

*I wrote this post after returning from Zambia in January of 2010 but never published it. 
I loved finding this little gem, hidden among published posts and a few other drafts.
I love that I was able to go back and see so many of the Lifesong kids and how they have grown to understand the love of our heavenly Father! 
I love that God is healing their broken heartsQ


February 2010

I was recently telling someone about William and the efforts that are being made for the precious boy.
With tears in their eyes, I was asked, "Why are you doing this?"
It wasn't an accusation, just an honest question.

Why am I so passionate about William?
About all orphans?
Or about those who are hurting?

A large part of it is personal.

As some of you may know, my dad died when I was almost 7 years old.

I know the pain of losing a parent.
The pain of crying myself to sleep.
The pain of wishing, praying and pleading with God to bring my daddy back.
And the pain on coming to realize that he is gone on this earth, forever.
The pain of growing up and trying to figure out who I am while missing a large piece of the puzzle.

I was blessed to have a loving family, church community and friends growing up.
I never doubted I was loved by people.

But I did have a period of my life where I truly doubted God's love.

See, my dad had told me about God's love for me.
I grew up hearing Bible stories read at bedtime, Sunday school every Sunday, and singing Jesus Loves Me.
When my dad died it all felt like a lie.

If God is love, how and why would He do something that makes me hurt so deeply?
I struggled to understand God's love when it didn't feel good.

Getting to know the kids at Lifesong and hearing their stories, most of them have or will soon experience the deep pain of losing a parent.
And the Lifesong kids are the ones who are lucky.
They have an amazing support system in the teachers and staff at the school who will walk with them in their pain.
They will have a loving place to take refuge in their pain.
They have people all over the world who are praying for them.

One look in to many of the big brown eyes and you can see the depth of pain experienced in their lives.

Will they question God's love for them?
Do they know they are loved unconditionally?
Can they understand that even though God allowed the pain in their lives that He has a purpose for it?

I never intended for Africa to affect me the way it has.
I've been to Haiti, Jamaica and Mexico.
I've seen poverty.
Yet I haven't been touched to the depth I was at Lifesong.

I think part of it is that I am more aware of myself.
I have had more time to learn, grow, and process my life experiences.
I have experienced God's love at a deeper and more intimate level than ever before.

A lot of people have taken an interest in William.
His pain is visible.
One look at his picture and anyone with the slightest bit of compassion feels pain for him.

And one look into his empty eyes shows the intense pain inside of him as well.

Most of the kids at Lifesong don't have a visible disability like William does.
Yet their hearts and emotions are broken and damaged.

It is the things that are not visible to our eyes that can be the most difficult for these kids.
Their pain can't be seen, but it is there.
And a pain that can't be taken away or a disability that can't be fixed by surgery and some rehabilitative therapy.

Their pain is deep and lasting.
There is only One who can heal them.
One who can heal their broken hearts, fixed the damaged emotions.

At Lifesong school, they are learning about the One.
About Jesus, the Great Physician.
They are daily encountering people who God placed withing the walls of the school to help them trust and be willing to allow the healing to take place.

And even though healing can take place, there will forever be a scar.
A scar that is a reminder of the intense love the Father has for them.

Take a look at these kids.
While they aren't visibly disabled like William, they are emotionally damaged.
And without Christ's love, they will have a permanent disability when it comes to living life and loving others and themselves.

*ALL images captured by Taryn Kaiser of Imagine Artists

my favorite

*Re-posted from Thursday, October 23, 2008

With the first leaves falling to the ground,  emotions are kindled within me. 

Fall. (I'll get over this obsession mid-December, don't worry)

Ahh.

I love it.

It engages all of the senses so fully.

Soft, cozy scarves wrapped around the neck.

Cups of hot goodness warming chilly fingers.

Rotting pumpkins/Libby's factory -it's not fall here in Morton until you smell it.

Spiced apple cider, hot coco, or peppermint tea.

Brilliant blue-sky days contrasting the golden corn and beans ready for harvest. 

Bright, vibrant colors of leaves fluttering to the ground.

Gourds, pumpkins and cornstalks adorning front porches and stoops across town.

A big pot of chili simmering on the stove.

Moist, decaying leaves waiting to be raked.

Mitt-ens in the pocket.

Orange pumpkins spattered across a field of green and brown. 

Mums in all their vibrant glory.

Bonfire smell filling the cool evening air.

Celebrating Rita

Meet Rita.

 

She's my coworker.

And my friend.

She is also known as:

Ritka

Fluffy

Freida

Foxy

 Rita recently had a birthday, so we celebrated!

Check out her birthday tiara!!

Sherrie (our boss/friend) and Rita.

Cute straws I saw at Dollar Tree and had to get for the par-tay!

We're real classy people and eat at places called "Burger Barge".

Amused by my beautiful wrapping- a recycled grey plastic bag.

Nancy and Liz getting a laugh from Rita's card.

In awe of the amazing gift Sherrie and I gave her (gift card to the movies, candy, & a gift card to her favorite restaurant- Qdoba)

Thanks Liz, your adorable wrapping made mine look even more white trash.

Liz rockin' the feathers!

Nancy and Lizzy Poo.

Chocolate cake! Yumm!

Gotta love Dollar Tree balloons!

Rita sporting her feathers.

This one makes me laugh.

Sherrie: "YEAH!!! Happy Birthday!!!"
Rita: "Really??? Oh my lands!"
Liz: "Go ahead, blow 'em out!"

Making her wish!

Happy 25th, Rita!!

HA!

Thanks for being a great friend and an amazing coworker!

You have one of the most giving hearts I have ever met and you love 100%.

You are loyal and devoted and will do anything for those you love.

You truly have been a blessing in my life, and I know in the lives of so many others!!!!

We love you!!!!

it's beginning to feel a lot like

*Reposted from September 8, 2008

FALL!

5 reasons fall is my favorite season.

1. Living in Morton, the Pumpkin Capital of the World, we welcome fall with the Pumpkin Festival. I LOVE the "p-fest" as it is known in these parts for several reasons.

• Atmosphere. Minus the cigarette smoke. I love the arbitrary mixing of people who flock to the  Jefferson Grade school block. Music blaring so loud you feel it's beat in your heart, the old, young, poor, rich. Everyone is there to have fun and enjoy their evenings.

• Nostalgia. You know that wonderful feeling you get that transports you back to childhood? When life was carefree and my biggest concern was how many tickets I had left for rides. SO many memories comes flooding back as I walk down to the fest.

• FOOD! My favorites are the perfectly seasoned and grilled pork chops, pumpkin chili, pumpkin ice cream, DQ pumpkin Blizzards, pumpkin pancakes, and apple cider slushies. 4 days of a perfectly balanced diet of fair food. YUMM!!

• Friends. For as long as I can remember, the p-fest has mean fun with friends. From scheming up a plan to run in to a certain guy in 6th grade to realizing we are too old to ride the zipper after we eat, friendship is half the fun.

2. Cool weather. I like the cool, crisp fall air. I don't even mind the rain when it's cool. I love the feeling of cold toes, sweats, and a hoodie while I curl up with blanket and a good book on the porch.

3. Leaves. I enjoy watching them turn colors, hearing them dance along the ground in the wind, I even love raking them (shhhh!! don't tell!). The beauty of God's creation is so clear in the fall.

4. Hiking. This has become one of my favorite activities. I don't do extreme, day-long treks (although I am sure I could) I love to hike for the ability to be out in God's creation and the time to clear my mind and think. AND I suppose that it is good for me too does count for something. There is a hidden treasure about 20 minutes from my house. It is a Nature Center that has miles and miles of trails through timber. It is high on a hill that overlooks the Illinois river and an amazing view! When I need to just escape from life and get some alone time, I take my iPod, Bible, journal and a thermos of peppermint tea and head off on the trails for a few hours. Nothing refreshes my soul more.

5. Bonfires! Nothing says fall better than an evening spent toasting marshmallows around a fire. It's even better when it's just cool enough to need a sweatshirt but not too hot where you have to sit rotisserie style to keep your front or back from burning. 

AHhhh!  I'm excited that fall is finally here! 

Your turn.  What is your favorite season and why?

I left my heart in Africa

I've lost track of the number of times I've come to this page and tried to string together words in an attempt to accomplish a complete thought.

Click
Click
Click sounds the keyboard.

Delete.
No order of letters or configuration of words are adequate.

The black and white seem so hollow in describing the desires of my heart.

The desire to love, protect, provide, and cherish precious little lives.
Something about their big dark eyes that I can't seem to forget.

I've had a couple of weeks.
A month, actually.
Enough time to get back to the routine of everyday life.

I go through the motions of getting up and making myself presentable for the day.
I do the daily tasks of laundry, cleaning and cooking.
I go to work and get paid to do things like take my residents shopping, scrap booking, drinking coffee, watching movies, and going on walks.
I grab lunch with a friend and laugh about how amazing we used to be (we really were).
I snuggle my precious niece (and make her smell like an old man, apparently).
I meet a friend for an afternoon hike at the local nature park and make a mental note to work out more.
I visit my grandpas and hear stories about years gone by.

I stand in front of my closet full of clothes and complain I have nothing to wear.
I wash my face and brush my teeth.
I lay my head on a feather pillow and snuggle into my cozy duvet that feels like a little piece of heaven.
I close my eyes and sleep in comfort and safety.

I go through the motions.
I live my life.

And yet I can't stop thinking about those kids.

Not just a couple hundred attending Lifesong school or a few thousand living in the compound.
Those numbers are too big and impersonal.

But I think about William.
And Charity.
And Karen.
And Martin.
And my sweet Veronica.
And all the other kids- each one a life with a hope and a future.
Each one created in the image of God.

Each one possessing value.
Each one with their own unique gifts and talents and personalities.

In January of 2010 I first set foot on the red soil, and experienced the amazing continent of Africa.
It was new.
It was exciting.
It was thrilling and emotional.

This year it was different.
It wasn't new.
The excitement of anticipation wasn't there.
But an easiness of familiarity was.
A love that had been planted a year and a half before had taken root and was firmly established in my heart.

Last year, I sat in the guest house talking to my friend David.
We grew up together in Central IL and have been friends since junior high days.
David asks the tough and honest questions.
Sometimes the questions that you don't want asked- the ones that get to the heart of the matter or get you thinking.

I can still see us sitting there, on the couch, David looks at me and asks "Could you ever live here?"

I tell him I'd love to spend a few months there to really soak in and experience the culture.
I tell him I want to understand all of the little things that make their lives and their culture unique.
I tell him I want to better grasp how they thought and the reasoning behind those thoughts- which then leads them to actions.
I tell him I thought it would be so neat to spend a couple of months living in the compound with them, learning their way of life, and living their way of life. After all, the best way to understand someone is to walk a mile in their shoes, right? I couldn't think of a better way to get a grasp on their culture than completely being immersed in it.

David then told me he had been asked to move there and work with Lifesong. He wasn't sure what he would do yet.

A year ago God called David to move to Zambia, and that trip in Jan '10 was preparing him and changing David's heart by planting a love for the Zambian people and opening his eyes to the needs.

David's question has been stirring in my heart since that day in January over a year ago.

I've moved to Colorado and now back to IL.
I had surrendered my desire for Africa and had embraced another direction for my life.

But this trip, I can't deny it.
My heart is there.
I can't explain it.
Yet I can't deny it either.

I don't know what this means.
I don't know what this will look like.
I don't know what the timeline is.

I do know that God has placed and grown a love in my heart for the people of Zambia.
He has given me restless nights of sleep where they fill my thoughts.
And a desire to show them His love and for them to love Him in return.

And there is my heart.
In all it's fragmented sentences.
In black and white.
Words so full of meaning they can't be expressed in written form.
A love for a people and place around the globe.
Africa, you have my heart.