in His time

My unintentional heart

2011-09-13T20:26:00.001-05:00

*I wrote this post after returning from Zambia in January of 2010 but never published it.
I loved finding this little gem, hidden among published posts and a few other drafts.
I love that I was able to go back and see so many of the Lifesong kids and how they have grown to understand the love of our heavenly Father!
I love that God is healing their broken heartsQ

February 2010

I was recently telling someone about William and the efforts that are being made for the precious boy.
With tears in their eyes, I was asked, "Why are you doing this?"
It wasn't an accusation, just an honest question.

Why am I so passionate about William?
About all orphans?
Or about those who are hurting?

A large part of it is personal.

As some of you may know, my dad died when I was almost 7 years old.

I know the pain of losing a parent.
The pain of crying myself to sleep.
The pain of wishing, praying and pleading with God to bring my daddy back.
And the pain on coming to realize that he is gone on this earth, forever.
The pain of growing up and trying to figure out who I am while missing a large piece of the puzzle.

I was blessed to have a loving family, church community and friends growing up.
I never doubted I was loved by people.

But I did have a period of my life where I truly doubted God's love.

See, my dad had told me about God's love for me.
I grew up hearing Bible stories read at bedtime, Sunday school every Sunday, and singing Jesus Loves Me.
When my dad died it all felt like a lie.

If God is love, how and why would He do something that makes me hurt so deeply?
I struggled to understand God's love when it didn't feel good.

Getting to know the kids at Lifesong and hearing their stories, most of them have or will soon experience the deep pain of losing a parent.
And the Lifesong kids are the ones who are lucky.
They have an amazing support system in the teachers and staff at the school who will walk with them in their pain.
They will have a loving place to take refuge in their pain.
They have people all over the world who are praying for them.

One look in to many of the big brown eyes and you can see the depth of pain experienced in their lives.

Will they question God's love for them?
Do they know they are loved unconditionally?
Can they understand that even though God allowed the pain in their lives that He has a purpose for it?

I never intended for Africa to affect me the way it has.
I've been to Haiti, Jamaica and Mexico.
I've seen poverty.
Yet I haven't been touched to the depth I was at Lifesong.

I think part of it is that I am more aware of myself.
I have had more time to learn, grow, and process my life experiences.
I have experienced God's love at a deeper and more intimate level than ever before.

A lot of people have taken an interest in William.
His pain is visible.
One look at his picture and anyone with the slightest bit of compassion feels pain for him.

And one look into his empty eyes shows the intense pain inside of him as well.

Most of the kids at Lifesong don't have a visible disability like William does.
Yet their hearts and emotions are broken and damaged.

It is the things that are not visible to our eyes that can be the most difficult for these kids.
Their pain can't be seen, but it is there.
And a pain that can't be taken away or a disability that can't be fixed by surgery and some rehabilitative therapy.

Their pain is deep and lasting.
There is only One who can heal them.
One who can heal their broken hearts, fixed the damaged emotions.

At Lifesong school, they are learning about the One.
About Jesus, the Great Physician.
They are daily encountering people who God placed withing the walls of the school to help them trust and be willing to allow the healing to take place.

And even though healing can take place, there will forever be a scar.
A scar that is a reminder of the intense love the Father has for them.

Take a look at these kids.
While they aren't visibly disabled like William, they are emotionally damaged.
And without Christ's love, they will have a permanent disability when it comes to living life and loving others and themselves.

*ALL images captured by Taryn Kaiser of Imagine Artists

my favorite

2011-09-12T07:02:00.000-05:00

*Re-posted from Thursday, October 23, 2008

With the first leaves falling to the ground, emotions are kindled within me.

Fall. (I'll get over this obsession mid-December, don't worry)

Ahh.

I love it.

It engages all of the senses so fully.

Soft, cozy scarves wrapped around the neck.

Cups of hot goodness warming chilly fingers.

Rotting pumpkins/Libby's factory -it's not fall here in Morton until you smell it.

Spiced apple cider, hot coco, or peppermint tea.

Brilliant blue-sky days contrasting the golden corn and beans ready for harvest.

Bright, vibrant colors of leaves fluttering to the ground.

Gourds, pumpkins and cornstalks adorning front porches and stoops across town.

A big pot of chili simmering on the stove.

Moist, decaying leaves waiting to be raked.

Mitt-ens in the pocket.

Orange pumpkins spattered across a field of green and brown.

Mums in all their vibrant glory.

Bonfire smell filling the cool evening air.

Celebrating Rita

2011-09-11T06:57:00.000-05:00

Meet Rita.

She's my coworker.

And my friend.

She is also known as:

Ritka

Fluffy

Freida

Foxy

Rita recently had a birthday, so we celebrated!

Check out her birthday tiara!!

Sherrie (our boss/friend) and Rita.

Cute straws I saw at Dollar Tree and had to get for the par-tay!

We're real classy people and eat at places called "Burger Barge".

Amused by my beautiful wrapping- a recycled grey plastic bag.

Nancy and Liz getting a laugh from Rita's card.

In awe of the amazing gift Sherrie and I gave her (gift card to the movies, candy, & a gift card to her favorite restaurant- Qdoba)

Thanks Liz, your adorable wrapping made mine look even more white trash.

Liz rockin' the feathers!

Nancy and Lizzy Poo.

Chocolate cake! Yumm!

Gotta love Dollar Tree balloons!

Rita sporting her feathers.

This one makes me laugh.

Sherrie: "YEAH!!! Happy Birthday!!!"
Rita: "Really??? Oh my lands!"
Liz: "Go ahead, blow 'em out!"

Making her wish!

Happy 25th, Rita!!

HA!

Thanks for being a great friend and an amazing coworker!

You have one of the most giving hearts I have ever met and you love 100%.

You are loyal and devoted and will do anything for those you love.

You truly have been a blessing in my life, and I know in the lives of so many others!!!!

We love you!!!!

it's beginning to feel a lot like

2011-09-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

*Reposted from September 8, 2008

FALL!

5 reasons fall is my favorite season.

1. Living in Morton, the Pumpkin Capital of the World, we welcome fall with the Pumpkin Festival. I LOVE the "p-fest" as it is known in these parts for several reasons.

Atmosphere. Minus the cigarette smoke. I love the arbitrary mixing of people who flock to the Jefferson Grade school block. Music blaring so loud you feel it's beat in your heart, the old, young, poor, rich. Everyone is there to have fun and enjoy their evenings.

Nostalgia. You know that wonderful feeling you get that transports you back to childhood? When life was carefree and my biggest concern was how many tickets I had left for rides. SO many memories comes flooding back as I walk down to the fest.

FOOD! My favorites are the perfectly seasoned and grilled pork chops, pumpkin chili, pumpkin ice cream, DQ pumpkin Blizzards, pumpkin pancakes, and apple cider slushies. 4 days of a perfectly balanced diet of fair food. YUMM!!

Friends. For as long as I can remember, the p-fest has mean fun with friends. From scheming up a plan to run in to a certain guy in 6th grade to realizing we are too old to ride the zipper after we eat, friendship is half the fun.

2. Cool weather. I like the cool, crisp fall air. I don't even mind the rain when it's cool. I love the feeling of cold toes, sweats, and a hoodie while I curl up with blanket and a good book on the porch.

3. Leaves. I enjoy watching them turn colors, hearing them dance along the ground in the wind, I even love raking them (shhhh!! don't tell!). The beauty of God's creation is so clear in the fall.

4. Hiking. This has become one of my favorite activities. I don't do extreme, day-long treks (although I am sure I could) I love to hike for the ability to be out in God's creation and the time to clear my mind and think. AND I suppose that it is good for me too does count for something. There is a hidden treasure about 20 minutes from my house. It is a Nature Center that has miles and miles of trails through timber. It is high on a hill that overlooks the Illinois river and an amazing view! When I need to just escape from life and get some alone time, I take my iPod, Bible, journal and a thermos of peppermint tea and head off on the trails for a few hours. Nothing refreshes my soul more.

5. Bonfires! Nothing says fall better than an evening spent toasting marshmallows around a fire. It's even better when it's just cool enough to need a sweatshirt but not too hot where you have to sit rotisserie style to keep your front or back from burning.

AHhhh! I'm excited that fall is finally here!

Your turn. What is your favorite season and why?

I left my heart in Africa

2011-09-05T07:44:00.002-05:00

I've lost track of the number of times I've come to this page and tried to string together words in an attempt to accomplish a complete thought.

Click
Click
Click sounds the keyboard.

Delete.
No order of letters or configuration of words are adequate.

The black and white seem so hollow in describing the desires of my heart.

The desire to love, protect, provide, and cherish precious little lives.
Something about their big dark eyes that I can't seem to forget.

I've had a couple of weeks.
A month, actually.
Enough time to get back to the routine of everyday life.

I go through the motions of getting up and making myself presentable for the day.
I do the daily tasks of laundry, cleaning and cooking.
I go to work and get paid to do things like take my residents shopping, scrap booking, drinking coffee, watching movies, and going on walks.
I grab lunch with a friend and laugh about how amazing we used to be (we really were).
I snuggle my precious niece (and make her smell like an old man, apparently).
I meet a friend for an afternoon hike at the local nature park and make a mental note to work out more.
I visit my grandpas and hear stories about years gone by.

I stand in front of my closet full of clothes and complain I have nothing to wear.
I wash my face and brush my teeth.
I lay my head on a feather pillow and snuggle into my cozy duvet that feels like a little piece of heaven.
I close my eyes and sleep in comfort and safety.

I go through the motions.
I live my life.

And yet I can't stop thinking about those kids.

Not just a couple hundred attending Lifesong school or a few thousand living in the compound.
Those numbers are too big and impersonal.

But I think about William.
And Charity.
And Karen.
And Martin.
And my sweet Veronica.
And all the other kids- each one a life with a hope and a future.
Each one created in the image of God.

Each one possessing value.
Each one with their own unique gifts and talents and personalities.

In January of 2010 I first set foot on the red soil, and experienced the amazing continent of Africa.
It was new.
It was exciting.
It was thrilling and emotional.

This year it was different.
It wasn't new.
The excitement of anticipation wasn't there.
But an easiness of familiarity was.
A love that had been planted a year and a half before had taken root and was firmly established in my heart.

Last year, I sat in the guest house talking to my friend David.
We grew up together in Central IL and have been friends since junior high days.
David asks the tough and honest questions.
Sometimes the questions that you don't want asked- the ones that get to the heart of the matter or get you thinking.

I can still see us sitting there, on the couch, David looks at me and asks "Could you ever live here?"

I tell him I'd love to spend a few months there to really soak in and experience the culture.
I tell him I want to understand all of the little things that make their lives and their culture unique.
I tell him I want to better grasp how they thought and the reasoning behind those thoughts- which then leads them to actions.
I tell him I thought it would be so neat to spend a couple of months living in the compound with them, learning their way of life, and living their way of life. After all, the best way to understand someone is to walk a mile in their shoes, right? I couldn't think of a better way to get a grasp on their culture than completely being immersed in it.

David then told me he had been asked to move there and work with Lifesong. He wasn't sure what he would do yet.

A year ago God called David to move to Zambia, and that trip in Jan '10 was preparing him and changing David's heart by planting a love for the Zambian people and opening his eyes to the needs.

David's question has been stirring in my heart since that day in January over a year ago.

I've moved to Colorado and now back to IL.
I had surrendered my desire for Africa and had embraced another direction for my life.

But this trip, I can't deny it.
My heart is there.
I can't explain it.
Yet I can't deny it either.

I don't know what this means.
I don't know what this will look like.
I don't know what the timeline is.

I do know that God has placed and grown a love in my heart for the people of Zambia.
He has given me restless nights of sleep where they fill my thoughts.
And a desire to show them His love and for them to love Him in return.

And there is my heart.
In all it's fragmented sentences.
In black and white.
Words so full of meaning they can't be expressed in written form.
A love for a people and place around the globe.
Africa, you have my heart.

Pray with me.

2011-09-05T00:31:00.002-05:00

Brian was a classmate of mine at the Focus Leadership Institute.
We became friends and have kept in touch over the last two years.

Brian is a recovering drug and alcohol addict.
He's lived a life that I've only seen in movies.
He's the most honest person I have ever met.
And also has one of the most compassionate hearts.

God has given Brian an opportunity to use his past experiences and the story of God's redeeming grace in his life.
Over the summer, Brian started working with Family Foundation Fund.

"The Family Foundation Fund’s (FFF) mission is to nurture fatherless boys into Christ-centered manhood and to inspire and equip men to be fathers that impact the destiny of the next generation.

A father’s love or the lack thereof has a tremendous impact on the life of a child. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 23.9 million children live absent from their biological fathers. We have an epidemic of children living in fatherless homes in the United States, and our city is no exception. This epidemic crosses all social, economic, religious, and racial boundaries. According to research, children from fatherless homes are at a higher risk to experience challenges such as poverty, teen pregnancies, crime, and childhood obesity.

The vision of the FFF is to return the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers (Malachi 4:6). We accomplish our mission through: mentoring, education and training.We have mentored 45 boys to date. 2007 was an exciting year for the FFF, fourteen boys participated in the mentoring and education program. These boys established one-on-one personal relationship with local Christian men, attended local private Christian schools, and participated in a college tour. Son Farm began selling its organic produce to F Scott’s, The Boundary, and tayst."

Please join me in praying for Brian and the other men who are dedicating this time in their lives to pour into boys who otherwise have very little hope.

nothing done = lots accomplished

2011-06-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today was a day where I got nothing accomplished that was planned.

But it was filled with an unexpected morning coffee date and lunch with Angie.
A phone conversation to revamp a mentor program.
Followed by a 3 hour talk with a friend.
Then VBS (that one was planned).
And it all ended with a warm and muggy walk with yet another friend.

I didn't get a single flower made.
No new items posted to my Etsy shop.
No laundry washed.
No shopping done.
No weeds pulled.
No phone calls to potential grad school to request information.

Nope, just a wonderful, completely unplanned day filled with coffee, food, and friends!

And while I didn't get a lot of stuff done or items crossed off my list, I am reminded that it's the relationships that matter.

The investing in the lives of others and allowing them to invest in yours.

So while nothing got done, I did get a lot accomplished!!

I am learning to really enjoy the unexpected and just take in the moments as they come!

just thinking...

2011-06-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

Do you ever sit down and take a minute to think about life?

To remember all the people who have been a part of shaping it?

And the situations that have made you grow?

Sometimes I just look around me and think, "I am so blessed to have these amazing people in my life".

Last weekend I attended the wedding of one of my roommates from FLI.
I got to road trip from CO to KS with another FLI roommate and we stayed at a house with 2 other classmates.
It was a wonderful mini reunion and made me even more thankful for the roles they each play in my life.

A few other classmates were at the wedding also, so we were able to catch up and share what God has done in the last year and a half of our lives.

And now I am home in Morton. And get to spend time with the girls I have known since elementary school.
My friends I grew up with.
Became a Christian with.
Learned to drive with.
Worked with.
And spent countless hours talking about life, college, work and boys with.
These girls know what I am thinking with only an expression and love me in spite of all my flaws.
They have encouraged me, challenged me, and shaped me.

As I transition back to Morton, I think of all the friendships I have made here in IL and in CO and elsewhere in-between. I am truly blessed and thank the Lord for putting so many amazing people in my life.

Giveaway!!

2011-05-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

My friend Amy is hosting a
GIVEAWAY
tomorrow for Vilas.June!!!

Go take a look at her blog!

In honor of her giveaway, I am donating 50% of all sales towards orphan care!

50% donation will go until Friday evening, then it goes back to 30%.

Vilas.June

2011-05-23T06:24:00.000-05:00

So...

...I accidentally deleted my HeatherRose Design etsy account. Apparently I am not as computer savvy as I thought. Oops.

Let me introduce you to Vilas.June!

Vilas June was my maternal grandmother.

She loved accessories and always added that extra special little touch!
She passed away before I started making flowers, but I know she would have loved them!

You aren't just buying a cute accessory when you purchase from Vilas.June, you are supporting orphan care!

30% of each sale goes directly to orphan care!

And this week you can get FREE SHIPPING at Vilas.June.
Just enter the code FREESHIP at checkout!!!

home

2011-05-22T15:45:00.000-05:00

Last week I found out that I will have to do my classes at a slower pace than I had originally anticipated. CCU is implementing a cohort program, which means I have to take my classes in their specific order, at their designated time.

This news came as I was sitting in the Denver airport, waiting to board my flight home.
I had received an email about it from CCU, but after skimming the email and not understanding it, I decided it didn't apply to me and deleted it. I figured if it was something that directly affected me, my wonderful adviser, Joelle, would contact me.

I had enrolled in 2 summer classes but was un-enrolled in them because of the cohort program. It was when I noticed I was no longer enrolled in the classes that I called Joelle.

She was so sweet and helpful and explained it all to me.
While I understood what she was saying, I just kept asking her to explain it again.
I was not familiar with a cohort program and after understanding it, I didn't want to be.

I had planned to take my classes as quickly as possible and get done.
Now it will be drawn out to 3 years.
Their program only does 3 classes each semester- fall and spring.
That part was fine, but then I asked about the classes I have already taken that are a part of the cohort.
Could I just take the next class early?
Umm, no.
I'd have to either take a gen ed or elective (which I am done with electives and almost done with my gen eds) to fill the spot of just take a break during that block.
And you can only take one class at a time.
I didn't want to just be sitting there fir 5 weeks waiting when I could be getting another class done.
I am out here for school, and I wanted to spend my time here focusing on school- not just sitting.

Joelle and I talked for a while and she reminded me that I could do the program online.
I told her that I was just a little frustrated because I moved here to CO to get through my classes as quickly as possible.

My family isn't here.
My friends aren't here.
My church isn't here.
My life wasn't here.

And while I have met some great people and do have some friends here, my life is really in Morton.
With my grandparents getting older and now having a niece there, it made me consider Morton again.

When I closed my trunk and drove away back in January, I couldn't imagine ever going back.
I was so excited to move away.
There was a whole world out there that I wasn't experiencing.
And I needed to experience it.
I needed to get away and learn some things.

I needed time to think and reflect on who I am.
Not all of the roles that I had fallen into over the years, but who did God create me to be?
Not who my family says I am.
Or allow my job to define me.

I needed to have a fresh start, to get away from everything and everyone.
And I did that.
And I realized that I really do love Morton.
I love living in Mayberry. :)
I love being surrounded by my family.
I love my church.
I love my community.
I love my ladies at my old job!

I knew that all of those things would be different out here in Colorado, and I was excited about it.
But sometimes it takes leaving to see you were exactly where you wanted to be.

I don't regret the past 5 months.
It's been hard and wonderful all at the same time.
It's been a time of refreshment and refinement.
A time of growing and learning and continue to figure out who I am.
And it is because of that time that I can move back home.

Due to some previous commitments, I won't be technically moving until July, but I will be home in Morton for almost 2 weeks in June.

And I think the best part of all, I will be working in the CILAs again.
I seriously loved my job.
I looked forward to going to work each day.
And my old boss, Sherrie, has been so kind as to allow me to come back.
Ok, so she begged me to come back, but I don't want to sound proud.

Life is full of unexpected and surprising events.
But that is what makes it fun, right??

Life

2011-05-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

Life has been moving right along.
Nothing too exciting going on here in CO.

I spent Easter weekend in Morton and FINALLY got to meet by beautiful niece, Rosie.
I know I am biased, but she really is a beautiful baby.
Some babies aren't cute, or they take time to really grow into their cuteness, but she is beautiful.
I don't think I can have kids now because they will never be as cute as she is.
Can she raise the bar any higher???

It was so good to be "home", if just for a few days.
I was able to see my Grandpa's new room at Restmor.
My mom and aunts helped decorate it and make it feel like home for him.
They did a great job and it feels so cozy and homey.
Grandpa has been amazing throughout this whole process.
He chose to move into Restmor.
He knew his limits.
While this is sad and a transition to realize, we are so thankful that he made the choice on his own.
Now it's time to list his apartment and to sort through all the things that represent my grandparent's lives.

As my mom and I walked through the apartment, I was reminded again how so many people work their entire lives and end up having them reduced to a room.
Not that it wasn't worth it- they enjoyed and loved their life and worked hard for their things.
But it is just a reminder that all the things we work for here on this earth are temporal.
And it's the people in our lives, the relationships that we make, are what really matter in the end.

I should be working on a final.
It's amazing how many other things I get done when I put off school.

I'm sitting at Panera and there must be some high school math class here studying.
I keep seeing kids walk up to a middle aged guy showing them their scientific calculators and asking him questions.

The two ladies next to me are discussing marriage.
One of them is older and is advising the younger one.
They just mentioned their views on Christian marriage.
Not quite, or actually, nothing near my views of marriage based on the Bible, but their views have been obtained from experiences of their friends.
It makes me sad that they think marriage is a suffocating, controlling, male power institution.
That is not how God created it to be.
I was 2 seconds from interrupting them and clarifying a few things, but the manager just came up and asked me how my experience has been.
Now they have moved on to another subject.

I am so excited for next week!!
I was able to find tickets home for super cheap!
So Wed I fly into St Louis, and then take the train to Bloomington.
I'll be home for almost a week.
Easter was a whirlwind and I felt like I didn't get to spend quality time with anyone, so I am excited to have some down time while at home.

Plus, I'll get to cuddle and squeeze my niece.
I seriously can't wait.
She is the cutest baby.
Did I already say that?

So apparently these kids are in AP Calculus.
I don't understand a word they are saying.
How sad.
16 year olds have officially passed me up.
And they are so entertaining to watch.
The boys can't talk to the girls without their cheeks turning 3 shades of red.
And the girls can't stop giggling.
It's like I'm in a real life version of High School Musical.
All they need to do now is break out in random choreographed song.

Is it bad that I am surrounded by some of the most picturesque mountains and hiking trails, and I am excited to go on a hike at Forrest Park in Peoria?
Or Grandview Drive?
Grandview is where Taryn and I go to walk.
We get Smoothie King and walk and talk and solve the world's issues.
Or just our own issues.
And discuss our lives- what they have been, what they are, what they should be, and what they will be.
It's pretty deep.
The best conversations we have are while we walk.
I can't tell you how many miles we have logged walking around Morton, discussing everything in life.
I miss those walks.

I have a plan to surprise my friend, Angie.
Angie is one of my favorite people.
She came out to see me a few weeks ago.
We did things like take the Cog to the top of Pike's Peak.
And visit the Air Force Academy (she has a thing for men in uniforms).
We also recorded our own Odyssey. We're going to be famous!
And drink our weight in Starbucks.
And she attacked me in my sleep.
We had an amazing time and still have a list of things to do the next time she comes to visit.
But back to the surprise.
She doesn't know I am coming home next week.
Shhhh! Don't tell her!
My friend Rita is going to make plans to take Angie out to coffee when I am home but I will be the one who shows up to take her.
She loves surprises and it makes my day to be able to not only surprise her, but to spend time with her.

Ok, I need to stop rambling.
Can you tell I've been writing about whatever topic floats into my head?
Oh, you can't?
Well, I have been.
I've been doing anything to put off working on this final.
But it's time.

daffies

2011-04-06T00:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, hello there!

Don't mind me...

I'm just enjoying the first daffies of springs with Grandma Leota.

Welcome to the world, Rosie!

2011-03-22T21:35:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the world sweet Rosie!!!

My brother and sister-in-law had their baby girl early Monday morning.

Little Rosamund "Rosie" Hazel Knobloch made a quick arrival, weighing a healthy 7lb. 2oz and 21" long.

Mommy and Rosie!!

I just want to squeeze those cheeks!!

She already has her daddy wrapped around her little finger!

Grandma Knobloch with her first grandbaby!!

Proud daddy!

Grandma K, Mommy, Daddy and baby Rosie

Great-Grandpa Belsley (my mom's dad) and Rosie

While I'd like to think that little Rosamund was named after me, Heather Rose, Kelly's middle name is Rose also. And there have been quite a few with the middle name of Rose on both Kelly's and Daniel's sides.

Growing up my Uncle Paul and his wife, Aunt Lynne, always called me Rosie. I guess she's cute enough to share the name with!!

Rejoicing with Kelly and Daniel! They are so in love with little Rosie!!

Welcome To Holland

2011-03-08T08:24:00.000-06:00

A blog friend posted this recently.

While I don't have a child with a disability, the developmentally disabled population is near and dear to my heart.

And I love analogies.

Welcome To Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.

It's like this......When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.""Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

heart of the Father

2011-02-26T02:25:00.006-06:00

Growing up in Sunday school, the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15) is a classic.

The basics of the story go like this:

A father has two sons.
The son #2 asks the father for his inheritance and then goes out and blows all his money.
Son #2 finds himself eating pig left overs, hits rock bottom, humbles himself enough to return home where the father welcomes him with open arms.
Father is so excited to see son #2 he gives him the best robe, kills the best calf, and throws a party for his son who returned!
Son #1 is filled with anger, bitterness, and jealousy towards his brother since he stayed home and was the "good" son.

Thinking back to Sunday school days, I mostly recall mental images of son #2 with torn and ragged clothes, sitting in muddy manure with the pigs, eating their leftovers -> fast forward to son #2 shamefully walking towards his father's farm and the father running towards a now very much cleaner son and embracing him. Father sweeps son #2 up in his arms in a bear hug, they spin (for dramatic affect) a few times, and then the servant is there putting the beautiful robe on son #2.

Of course, this scene is all playing out while son #1 is in the background, spitting in anger and jealousy.

The son was lost and now was found.
He had run away but now he had come back home.
Ok, so that was basically my take on the prodigal son story until now.

I recently listened to a message that approached the story of the prodigal son from an angle I had never heard before.

First, I had never connected who Jesus was telling this story to.
He was speaking to the Pharisees. Those who were so concerned about doing good, being good, and earning their way through their right actions.

So, remember in my little imagination how son #2 was all covered in mud and pig manure?
Well, he most likely would have still been just as dirty (or even dirtier after his journey home) once he arrived there. His father never asked him to go clean up. He didn't flinch at his dirt and filth.
No, he RAN to welcome him and gave him the best robe.

There was an analogy shared about how so many of us feel as though we need to clean ourselves up to come to our heavenly Father.

We need to wipe away our dirt, filth and grime.
Scared that He will flinch at what He sees or smells.
We need to get this sin taken care of or that struggle under control.
But He doesn't- He runs to us and welcomes us with open arms!

Now, while this stinky and joyous reunion is taking place, son #1 is in the background jealously sulking.

How many of you always thought of son #1 as being the "better" son?
The obedient and good son?
The one who was mature and stayed home to help the father and work the farm and do as he should?
Even the son to be like?
I guess I did.

While those actions may have been commendable, what about his heart?
Shouldn't he have been ecstatic to see his brother come home?
To see an end to his father's turmoil?
If he had spent all this time with his father, and knew his father, wouldn't he have known that his father loved them both?
It wasn't a matter of loving one more than the other, and if he truly knew his father's heart, he should have known that.
But to know one's heart, one must spend time with and truly know the desires of that person.

We may have been son #1.
We may have been son #2.
But we should strive to be the father.

The father had compassion.
Compassion leads to action, while concern is just a thought.

The father was forgiving.
Forgiveness is a command- not to be done only if we feel like it, only if they deserve it.

The father was generous.
Generously giving more than is deserved or could ever be repaid.

While we can go through the motions and do many great or commendable things as son #1 did, what our heavenly Father is concerned about is our heart.

And the only way to have the heart of the Father is to know what His heart looks like - through spending time with Him.

"What breaks your heart and baffles your mind?"

2011-02-19T05:33:00.000-06:00

"What breaks your heart and baffles your mind?"

I heard that question often at FLI.

I don't know if it is the Colorado air or what, but it has been creeping it's way back into my mind a lot lately.

I was driving past the Denver Rescue Mission recently.

THAT broke my heart and baffled my mind.

A frail, elderly man whose toes were poking through his worn shoes as he slowly shuffled along, what appeared to be painfully, putting one foot s l o w l y in front of the other.

He was on the sidewalk, and in yard behind him was 40-50 homeless people.
Just sitting.
Possibly waiting for their next meal.
Possibly just waiting.
Just sitting.

I'm volunteering again at Northern Churches Care (read about my previous experiences here & here).
I deal with people who are on the verge of becoming homeless.
They are just a few hundred dollars and a landlord's bad day away from ending up literally living on the street.

To see the the gathering of homeless was just too much.
I pulled my car into a parking spot and just cried.

And I prayed.
I can't imagine that if my heart aches so much for those people, how much more my Father's heart does for them.
Those are His children.
He knows each of them by name.
He knows the number of hairs on their heads.
He formed them in their mother's womb even before they were born.
He sent His Son to die for them.
Just as He sent His Son to die for me- a sinner.

And I just want to drive by as fast as I can because they make me feel uncomfortable.
Lord, forgive me.

I come back to the questions again.
What to do?
Where to go from here?

And then I looked up at my visor and saw the prayer card for a friend who is serving over in Zambia and I am reminded of all the kids over there.
All of the orphans in the world.
And I think of all the kids being sold as slaves.
And forced into prostitution.

And my heart grows heavy.
And my tears flow.
It feels good to cry.
I know I can't solve the world's problems.
I can't even come close.

But I can do my part.
Which seems so small at times.
But that's ok, because I've got a really big God .

he said this class would be easy

2011-02-12T23:55:00.000-06:00

this coming week i have to write a paper on the following:

In what ways is the presence of evil in the world a problem for an atheist?

For a pantheist?

For an agnostic?

For a Christian?

and my professor said this class would be easy.

maybe for him.

Officer friendly

2011-02-11T01:09:00.001-06:00

Last night I was heading to the gas station after class.

My mind was apparently a million miles away since I sat through the entire green arrow in the turn lane and didn't notice it until it had turned yellow. The stoplight was turning green at that time anyway and there was no oncoming traffic, so I didn't think anything of it and started to go. Just then I saw the red and blue lights flashing behind me.

It took me a minute to register what was going on.

WHY was I getting pulled over for going through a GREEN light?
I was clueless.

The gas station was on the other side of the intersection so I pulled into there and pulled up to a gas pump, turned my car off (because isn't that what you do at the gas pump), and opened my door (since you can't put your window down once your car is off).

The officer asked if he could smell my breath.
I asked him if he really wanted to (smart one, Heather).

It was 10pm at this point, I had been up and going since 6:00am, had eaten 2 meals since brushing my teeth, just sat through 4 hours of class where I had just eaten some Doritos. Yes, SO unhealthy I know, but it was the only thing I could afford in the vending machine and I was starving and I could not find the bag of almonds I know I put in my purse at 7am that morning to be my snack during class. But, I digress.

He smirked a bit and said yes, and then said he did not smell any alcohol.

He asked for my license and registration and said it was to check if I had any outstanding warrants for arrest.

I knew I was looking a little tired but, really? That bad?

He told me to wait for him outside my vehicle and he'd check my info and be back.

It was SO cold out and as he was walking away I asked him if it was ok if I could pump my gas. I figured hey, if I am going to have to wait out here for him, I would at least make it productive. He was kind enough to smile and tell me to go ahead.

He came back just a minute later and told me that my information ran clear.
And then he asked why I sat through a an entire green arrow.
He said that typically only people who are intoxicated do "things like that".

With the first word out of my mouth, I burst into tears.

WHY is it that when I need to cry because I am getting a ticket I can't and when I'm not getting a ticket I can't hold back the tears??!?!!?

I told him that as of that afternoon I was unemployed and I didn't know what I was going to do.
I had just moved out here from IL and I missed my family and friends and I was just having a bad day.
And to top that off I had to go sit through a 4 hour class where I understood about 10 minutes of it.
So I was just wanted to get gas in my car, go home, and go to bed.

His big green eyes were so sweet and he told me that he hoped that tomorrow would be a better day for me. And he said that sometimes a drink (after arriving safely at home, of course) can make for a better ending to a bad day.

I finished pumping my gas, got in my car and then laughed and cried.
Once I calmed down enough, I called my friend Rita.
I knew she would get a good laugh out of my experience.
Rita and I have a special bond when it comes to law enforcement that started with a middle of the night visit in to a cop car in the middle of Nebraska... but that is another story for another day.

so about this job...

2011-02-07T00:09:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had something presented to you in such a way that it sounded, well... too good to be true?

That is what this job is turning out to be.

In theory it is amazing.

In reality, it is another story.

The organization is truly great, and the management have amazing hearts and really do care and want to offer the best services available for consumers with developmental disabilities here in Colorado Springs.

BUT when you come from one of the BEST organizations for the DD population, most others will fall short.

VERY short.

SKSF has grown really fast in a very short amount of time.
This has left them with a lot of growing pains.
I think I just came in at a bad time
Right at the most awkward stage and no one really knows what to do.

I am used to a really fast paced work environment.
There were some shifts where I didn't even get to sit down to eat and it felt like it was time to clock out before I even got a chance to look at my watch. Time flew at my old job. It was CRAZY. And I LOVED that.

This job, things move at a slightly different pace.
Slightly different.
I think I stood in the exact same spot for 1.5 hours this past week.
Yes. It was literally painful.
Not that it was wrong, it was what the consumer needed, it just wasn't what I was used to.
It's just not what I do well.
I don't do standing still well.
Ever.
I do moving, doing, talking, accomplishing.

Yes, there is something to be said for patience, but this is different than patience.
This is everyday.
All the time.
It is just a slower paced job.
And it kills me!

So while I am sure it is a wonderful job for some, it is just not the ideal fit for me.
I am speaking prematurely, you say.
I don't think so.
You know how sometimes you just know?
Well, I just know.

I'd love for this job to be it.
It pays well.
I have it already.
But there are some other red flags that have been swaying in the breeze as well.

One huge one is the driving.
I will end up driving my car an average of 400-500 miles a month- just for work.
I have a 2001 Honda Civic that runs smoothly at the moment, but if something would happen to it, I can not afford major work on it or a new car anytime soon.
While I do get reimbursed for miles, I simply cannot afford to be putting that many miles on my car right now.

I am thankful that I have a job for the time being.
And I really, truly do love my boss.
She is a great Christian woman who has an amazing heart for the consumers and has a great vision for what the program will be.

And because of her vision, I am filled with guilt for even thinking about leaving and looking at other options.

I know that there is so much potential here and that she is working on things and there will be changes, but at the same time, something just doesn't feel right.

But then again this is all new and I don't like new things.
I need time to adjust.

But this is more than just an adjustment.
For now, I will stay with SPSF but keep my ears open for other opportunities here in COS.

I've continued to send my resume out.
On Friday I had a call from other organization asking to set up an interview for next week. Apparently I had sent them my resume a few weeks ago and they were just getting to calling for interviews now. One thing is for sure, I will be asking if I can shadow someone in the position before I accept any offers!

William WALKS!

2011-01-28T01:22:00.000-06:00

This is what William looked like just 1 year ago.

Casts to prepare his feet for surgery.

After the first surgery. Awaiting his second foot.

And today?

He actually runs, plays, and interacts with his friends!

SO much has changed in his life in the past year!!

THANK you to all who prayed and gave financially to support William in the journey.

YOU have changed a life!

interview

2011-01-27T06:25:00.000-06:00

Wednesday morning I had an interview with an organization here in the Springs that works with adults with developmental disabilities. The position is "Adult Disabilities Mentor" and basically it would involve taking the consumers out into the community to do activities and to work on meeting their goals stated in their individualized service plan (ISP). Seriously, could this job be any more amazing!?!?

It took 3 times of driving around the neighboring building to realize that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Now, in my defense, the outside of the buildings look almost like a warehouse with a bunch of doors, and some of the doors weren't numbered. Anyway, I finally found the correct building and the correct door.

A man who works there was walking into the building at the same time, and politely held the door open while assuring me I was at the right place. I immediately walked into a room with about 10 consumers, most in wheelchairs, all doing some independent activities.

Right away, one of them said hello and asked me what my name was. I introduced myself and asked her name. "N" had the most amazing blue eyes. And her smile lit up her face! I told her how beautiful her eyes were and she giggled then mumbled, "Oh, I get that all the time!" Precious!
She complimented me on my "ruby red slippers" I was wearing. She was working on coloring a picture and showed me her diligent work.

Walking into that room, I felt like I was home.
Then I was called into the interview room.
I was met by the company's HR lady and then the women who supervises the position I applied for.
Both were absolutely sweet women!
I came to find out that one of them goes to Rocky Mountain Calvary for church and has been involved with Northern Churches Care (my practicum site) and we know some of the same people!

These ladies were a lot of fun and made the interview an enjoyable experience.
Talking about the DD population is something I could do for hours, and I LOVE meeting people who have the same passion for these individuals as I do.

She said that they will make their decision by the end of the week (if all the required legal information goes through by then) so I am hoping for a phone call on Friday!

If not, I know there is something else out there and that ultimately God knows where I need to be and He will put me there.

getting settled

2011-01-26T06:47:00.000-06:00

I am finally starting to feel at home here in Colorado.

I have been blessed to live with Erin, a super sweet 28 year old who works for Focus on the Family. When I met her back in December, we ended up talking for 2 hours. We come from similar backgrounds and have quite a bit in common. Except for her love for running- still don't understand that.

Class started last Wednesday. It is a required Worldview course for all undergrad students in the College of Adult and Graduate Studies (CAGS). I really like the professor, and judging from the 1st class, the next 4 weeks should be filled with lively debate. I have one classmate who likes to interject her opinion about everything, and most of the time I disagree with her. And at times I just can't help myself and end up saying so. But I did get a few classmates clapping after I countered her opinion, so at least I know I am not alone. Seriously though, this girl is a treat.

I have successfully made it from my house to Wal Mart, Kings Super (Kroger chain), Goodwill, school, and TJ Maxx Home Goods ALL without using my GPS. I was pretty excited. I think some of my confidence from realizing this is to blame for my 30 minutes spent driving the wrong direction on I-25 in Denver- trying to head back to the Springs. Yeah, and during rush hour too. I got in a few radio sermons during my 3 hours at almost a stand still.

This morning I have a job interview. It is with an organization working with adults with disabilities. The official title is "Adult Disabilities Mentor" and the job description wasn't too thorough, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow what exactly this job entails. I have also sent my resume to a few other organizations, so hopefully something will come though withing the next few weeks.

Next week I start volunteering again at my old practicum site, Northern Churches Care. I really fell in love with the work they do there, and all of the people I got to volunteer with. I'd like to also get involved with a domestic violence shelter for women and children. There are so many opportunities to serve here, it can almost be overwhelming. But I know I loved NCC and I'd really like to get some experience working with survivors of domestic violence, so for right now those are the two I'm going to try and work into my schedule.

Sunday I went to Rocky Mountain Calvary for church. The pastor talked on the story of the Good Samaritan. Here in the Springs I have come into contact with many homeless people already. It seems that each time I go to Wal Mart, I see someone holding up a cardboard sign as I drive out of the parking lot. Or putting groceries in my car I get approached for money for food. Which, I did offer the man my box of Honey Nut Chex (at that was the only thing that I had that didn't need to be cooked or refrigerated) and he turned it down because he didn't have milk! I told him I eat them plain all the time, and he just walked away. My thought was, "Yeah, buddy, if you were REALLY hungry you would have taken anything." But that got me thinking about how to respond to him, and other like him. Then Sunday when the pastor was talking, my thoughts drifted back to the smelly man in the plaid shirt in the Kings Super parking lot. HOW DO I respond to him? Do I just turn away and pretend I didn't hear him? I know I've done that many times before. Yet, what am I called to do? Isn't he considered "the least of these"? Just a thought I'm pondering.

I am s-l-o-w-l-y working on getting the new Etsy shop set up for profiting orphans.
My dream is to someday teach women to make the flowers and then have the women be able to sell them (it might still involve someone helping them sell the flowers) to help earn an income to support their families. For now though, I am making them and praying for more opportunities to come.
I sat down and wrote out a neat analogy about the flowers the other day. I need to get it edited and then I'll be posting it to. I just love analogies and this one makes me especially happy!

My camera is having a little problem turning on, so pictures of the house and my beautiful Pike's Peak
will be coming shortly. Or at least as soon as Mike can solve the power problem.

William's progress!

2011-01-15T01:27:00.000-06:00

William from Lifesong for Orphans on Vimeo.

LoveAnOrphan

2011-01-14T06:15:00.000-06:00

I don't want to get too ahead of myself here, but I am so excited I had to share a sneak peak with you!

A friend and orphan advocate contacted me recently about brainstorming ways I could use HeatherRose Design flowers to help support orphans.

Little did this friend know that ever since Zambia (in Jan of '10- so almost a year ago when she contacted me) I had been trying to think of a way to more directly connect HRD and supporting widows, orphans and vulnerable children.

Gotta love God's timing! And sending someone to give me that extra little push I needed to get the ball rolling.

Well, my friend had some great ideas!

We are still in the brainstorming stage of this all, but have some plans tentatively laid out.
As I said, I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I am EXCITED!

Let's just say that it involves product that was previously known as HeatherRose Design, a new Etsy site, 100% of proceeds going to orphan care, and the plan to teach women to make flowers to help generate an income to support themselves and their families.

Oh, this excites me!!!

I can't wait until we have all of the details ironed out!!

So, get excited!
More details to come VERY soon!!

"Year of Thrift"

2011-01-09T07:48:00.000-06:00

January 2010 I had the opportunity to visit a school for orphaned and vulnerable children in Zambia, Africa.

While there, God continued to work on my heart.
I had just finished an amazingly powerful semester at FLI where I had the opportunity to intern for an agency serving the working poor.

Before I go on, I need to tell you something.
More of a confession, really.

I love to shop.

More than I should.
And while I don't collect many things, I do have a collection of clothing, shoes and purses.

I easily get caught up in the moment while at the mall or browsing a website, and before I know it, I "need" 4 new tops, 2 new pair of pants, and 3 pairs of shoes (you know, one to go with each new outfit!).

Ok, so it may not have been that bad, but I knew I needed to practice better self control.
And also learn the BIG difference between a "need" and a "want".

One thing that stood out to me while interning at NCC was that you could immediately spot the "have" and "have-nots" simply by their clothes. You could gauge the level of poverty by the clothing they wore (or lack thereof).

Zambia brought an entire new perspective to clothing.
Fashion was not a concern there.
For the first day at the school, I thought one little boy was a girl because he had on a girl's pajama top- complete with pink and purple stars. :)

Clothing wasn't a fashion statement, it was simply a means to protect their bodies from the environment and to keep themselves warm.

I would opened my suitcase each morning and thought, "What was I thinking when I packed?? I have nothing to wear!".

Seriously, Heather.
WHO CARES?!?!

But you see, that is where my heart and my mind was.
I wanted to look "nice" or at least "put-together" each day.
I could have shown up wearing a bathrobe and they wouldn't have noticed.

Here I am, across the world and about as far away as I could get to any Gap, Banana Republic, or J Crew, and I was thinking about style.
I wondered how they would react to seeing an American mall.
Or what if they were given a catalog and allowed to pick out their very own outfit- one that they loved and not just one that was handed down or donated to them and happened to fit.

I was disgusted with myself.
To think about the hours and hundreds of dollars I had wasted on clothing.
And there are kids around the world who would freeze to death due to not having even enough clothing to cover their tiny little bodies to keep them warm.

I began to pray.

While I wanted my heart to remain in the sensitive state it was in, I knew that once I returned home and back to life here in America, it wouldn't take long to be overcome by this culture.
Yet that was no excuse to allow it to happen.

So I made a promise.
2010 would be the "Year of Thrift".
I would ONLY SHOP at thrift, consignment, or outlet stores for clothes.
(Except for shoes, a swimsuit, and undergarments- I'm sorry, but I just couldn't go there!)
And I would never pay over $5 for any item.

I thought about writing a blog about this when I began (Jan '10), but then I thought, what if I can't keep up with this? And I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could do it, just for myself.

And I did!

I got to meet some really neat people at the local Goodwill, Salvation Army, The Church Mouse, and Mission Marts.

I witnessed several moments of mothers putting back a sweater for themselves so they had enough to get the pair of jeans for their child.
Or standing behind someone who reeked of stale body odor and alcohol as they counted out enough change to buy a "new" pair of shoes.

I wondered about their lives.

Where did they come from?
Was this the only life they had ever know?
Or was this a new experience for them- one they were still trying to navigate and understand how to survive in?
What drove him to drink or her to fill her arm with needle marks?
Where did they sleep?
What did they eat?
Do they feel invisible and unloved?
Rejected by the middle-class... rejected by me?

It made me think about my than just myself.
Which is was shopping had previously almost always been about.

And buying clothes there not only saved me a LOT of money, but I knew that the money for those clothes was also being used to help change lives. I could buy clothes for a huge discount, and the money went directly to helping people.

It was also a challenge to get creative with what was offered to me.
I had to go with what was available in my size, not find what I liked and then get it in my size.

And not going to the mall or visiting online store sites, I have NO idea what is in style currently.
I no longer have the feeling of "I have to have that!" just because it looks good on the model or mannequin.

I wear what is available to me.
And it is actaully very freeing.
I've learned not to care.

But once you start to look at items and think of how you can alter it just a bit, or add a belt, or remove the ruffle, it opens a whole new world.

This thrifty shopping was also a blessing for my job.

All of the residents I worked with were on a limited income.
Especially if they worked at the sheltered workshop, we are talking paychecks in the single digits.
That makes it difficult to afford even the basics in life at times.

So on the 50% color off days, I was able to pick up dresses for $2.50, coats for $3.00, and shirts for $1.50.

The ladies LOVED getting new clothes, and it literally only cost me a few dollars!

I never imagined that my commitment to be more responsible with my money and to be less concerned about my material possessions would teach me such a big lesson.
I never imagined that it would create the questions it did and get me thinking about people who are usually invisible to me.
And I never imagined that I'd be committing to "Year of Thrift 2" for 2011!!

Anyone want to join me in this??

Light Up the Sky

2011-01-04T02:09:00.000-06:00

"When I'm feeling all alone
With so far to go
The signs that know we're on this road
Are guiding me home
When the night is closing in
Is falling on my skin
Oh God, will you come close

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don't feel them shining
When I can't see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I've almost reached the end
Like a flood you're rushing in
Your love is rushing in (your love is rushing in)

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny"

You've all heard this song before, right?
Before driving to CO in August, I had never heard this song.
Our local Christian station is about 2 months slow to get new songs on the air. :(

It was a warm night, and I was driving by myself from IL to Colorado.
I can't recall the exact time, but it was late enough that the sky was dark.
There were some rain clouds off in the distance, but it was dry overhead.
I was in the middle of No-where, Kansas and there was not a car in sight.
I was starting to feel very alone.
With thoughts of "what if my car breaks down" or "what if someone decides to run me off the road and kidnap me" running through my head. Totally not realistic thoughts, but that is where my mind was.

All of a sudden, this song came on the radio, and at the second the chorus started, a streak of lightening bolted across the sky!
I couldn't help but laugh!
It was a precious reminder that He was right there with me.

"You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me"

I had chills running up and down my spine as I listened to the words.
I turned the radio up and tears started streaming down my cheeks.
My God is good.
He knew just the moment that I needed to know He was close.

And the lightening?
Well, He put on a spectacular show for me.
Heat lightening jumping across the sky for almost an hour!!!

one thing I won't miss

2010-12-22T23:23:00.000-06:00

...are the all too honest comments I hear at work.

A: Do you have makeup on, Heather?

Me: No. Not today.

A: Why not?

Me: Because I don't care today. I was running late and didn't have time.

A: You need to wear it. You look prettier when it hides your zits.

Me: Thanks.

Life in little boxes...

2010-12-16T07:27:00.000-06:00

I used to love packing.

The art and strategy of trying to fit the more items in the smallest amount of space.
Organizing things by category, use, shape, color- whatever I wanted.

Today, I DREAD packing.

My entire life is being put into clear plastic tubs and adult diaper boxes (hey, they were free from work).

I remember packing all of the things I would need for 4 months last August, and that was a chore.
Half of the problem was that I was limited on what I could take and what I would actually need.

Now? Everything goes.

And I've been getting all nostalgic, which doesn't help things.

Finding pictures and notes from residents when I worked at the nursing home, notes from my internship at HSC, dried leaves from summer hikes at Forrest Park with friends...

Last week I was talking to my boss (who, by the way, is an amazing Christian woman with the biggest heart for the Lord and people and I will greatly miss her! I can say that now, because, brown nosing at this point will, well... get me nowhere!)) and she made the comment that it is a good thing that it is difficult to be moving on. If I wasn't so connected to my residents, or had not invested so much into their lives and building relationships with them, it would be easy to walk away.

But it's not. It's hard.
Hard to leave some of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Yes, it is hard to think about moving away from my friends and family, but I know that they will always be my family and friends. The distance or circumstances between us will not change that relationship. They will be in my life forever.

But with my residents things will be different.
Especially with my ladies.
I was hired specifically for a house with 4 women.
Soon after I started, a 5th lady moved in.
We've had good days, bad days, laughs, tears, and memories made.
I've invested time and effort into them.
I've been changed by them.

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." ~Lynn Hall

I count it an great privilege to have been given the opportunity to journey with these ladies for the past 2 years.

To watch them grow, to watch myself grow.

I'll be honest, there were some difficult days at work.
Days when I would drive home with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Days when I would think, "THANK YOU Lord I don't have to work tomorrow!!"

But what I remember, what I will be remembering 10 years from now, is not those moments.

I will be remembering the cups of coffee (I am NOT a fan) I consumed because it was made specially for me.

I will remember the laughs, hoots, and hollers as I acted like an old woman, pretending to be missing my teeth, all done to get someone out of a bad mood and a smile put on their face!

I will remember the hundreds of polar pops consumed.

I will remember the burnt dinners, or recipes that completely flopped- yet was told they were delicious!

I will remember the hugs as tears were shed from loosing loved ones, and the joy that talking about heaven brought to their eyes.

I will remember the miles walked and the conversations shared while pointing out the beautiful flowers, cute bunny rabbits, or attempting to console or encourage a heart.

I will remember my amazing co-workers and all the fun we had together. Let's just say that they all like to laugh- a lot!

I will remember the concerts at the park and watching them get up there in front of everyone and dance- without a care in the world and LOVING every second of it!

I will remember the nicknames: "Hecter", Ed-ger", "Your Highness", "My Princess", "Angel", and "KNOB-lock".

I will remember the hugs, sometimes feeling almost attacked by their enthusiasm, and others who would nuzzle in under your chin and just stay there for a moment.

I will remember with pride the day that my guys learned to pack their lunches- completely on their own!

I will remember the dozens of pictures I have had colored for me.

As I pack up my life into little boxes, I will forever have a little box in my heart for these residents.

Working with them for 8 hours a day, just you and 4 or 5 of them, you get to know them quite well.

I can tell you favorite colors, siblings names, hated foods, birthdays, the thing that can always make them laugh, the "off limits" topics, their each unique quirks.

Those things weren't something I set out to know, it came with time.
It came with moments that I will forever treasure.

As I label one little box "ACHH", I pray I will always remember who I was before I began this part of my journey and the way that each of them has forever changed me.

And as I do this, I think about what the next chapter will bring.
Who will I meet?
What other mementos will I acquire to pack away?
How will I change?
Who will I become?

Soaking in Every Moment

2010-10-16T12:35:00.000-05:00

I love my job.

I love my residents and am thankful for each of them, even the more "challenging" ones.

Actually, it seems that they are the ones I seem to like the best.

I know I'm not supposed to have favorites, but I am human and it is just natural that there will be a few residents that I will naturally be drawn to more than others.

I wish I could post their beautiful faces on here, to show you the twinkle in their eyes, the mischievous grin when they smile, and the absolute beauty that makes each of them who they are. But there is a small things called HIPPA and I need to protect their privacy. So, just imagine some of the most beautiful faces you've ever seen, and well, there you have them!

It is funny how, when I started my job I thought that I would go in and be teaching them all these things, and the truth is, they have taught me.

I have learned to let my expectations go.
Life doesn't and won't go according to plan.
When I come with plan A, now I always leave room for plans B, C, D, E, F... etc to follow.

I have learned it is okay to pick your battles and let the little things go.
I wouldn't say I am a strong-willed person (I am a middle child after all) but when I have an idea in my mind, I want the outcome to look as I had planned.

I always thought I'd be one of those easy going adults who could let the little things go and would just naturally tackle the big things with grace and ease.

When situations come and I have to decide how to handle them in that split second, my initial reaction is to react. And not typically with grace or ease.

I have learned (slowly and repeatedly) to decipher between the big and little things and to give them both time.

I recently had someone ask me if I felt like was getting good "mom practice" from taking care of the residents.
I don't compare my residents to children.
They are adults and capable and I respect them and admire them for their abilities and strengths.

My job is not to "take care of them" but to assist them in their independence. As a coworker said, "My job doesn't begin until their ability ends." I love that. It is so true.

I can understand that from someone looking in from the outside how it mat appear that I have a "mom" role.
I cook.
I clean.
I encourage.
I enforce the rules.
I chauffeur.
I comfort.
I guide.
I assist.
I teach.

I have learned to love.
To give.
To live in the moment.
To not take myself so seriously.
To look at the little things and enjoy them.
To embrace life with open arms and crooked smile and to look for the best in people.

I have learned to look at the ability.
I catch myself every now and then looking at one of my residents and thinking, "Why are they here? They can do so much?"
I now see their ability first, their limitations second.
They love to try and tell me that they can't do something, that they are indeed "handicapped" or unable or whatever their excuse.
Not gonna fly.
So if they honestly don't know how to do it, it's is time to learn.

I remember the first time I stood there and watched one of my residents pack a lunch on their own after working with them for about 2 months. Teaching them how to make a sandwich, to pick 1 fruit, 1 veggie, 1 snack item, 1 drink, add in a napkin and a spoon. Sure, I watched and gave the occasional verbal cue, but to see the pride and look of accomplishment on their face when they completed packing that lunch without me doing it for them, it was priceless!!!

It is those moments that I love and will cherish!

The silly giggles, the spilled juice, the tears.
The walks, the complaints, the missing shoes.
The burnt dinners, arguments, hours of my life lost documenting.
The silly and absolutely stupid things I do just to get them to laugh.

I can't believe almost 2 years have flown by this quickly.
As I send out my resume and fill out applications for a new job in Colorado Springs, I can't help but wonder if any job will ever compare to this one. I don't think it will.

I can honestly say I have never had a day when I did not look forward to going into work.
Now there have been days I have counted the minutes to when I got to leave work, but that's another story all together!

time. stop. please.

2010-10-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

where has time gone?

fall,
where
did
you
go????

i blinked and September passed.

my dear friend tracy married an amazing man and moved away with him to indiana.

the pumpkin festival passed in the wet, drizzly mess.

i work more than i can count the hours, yet i love every minute of it and am soaking in each moment with my residents before i leave for colorado in january.

and colorado.

i'm processing it all.

moving away.

it feels so right.
i have nothing set.
nothing arranged.
i don't have an apartment lined up.
no job.
no clue.
yet i know it is where i am supposed to be.
and it will come with time.
i am trusting the lord.
i am doing my part as well.
sending my resume out, making contacts, all that jazz.

if you know of anyone in the colorado springs area looking for a roommate starting in january, let me know.

the smell of pumpkins and dying leaves fills the air here and the world feels so right.
fall is a favorite.
i feel like i say that about every season.
i think i like them all.
they all bring something different and beautiful and unique.
but fall make me nostalgic.
it's cozy.
and warm.
and invites me to put on a big sweater, warm socks and crunch some leaves under my feet.

one of those "God moments"

2010-09-24T00:49:00.000-05:00

Thursday I took some residents on a day trip. I was one of 3 staff to go along with 6 resident on a Peoria Charter trip to the Celebration Belle boat in the Quad Cities where we cruised and dined in style. Let's just say my coworker and I were the youngest on the boat by about 30 years!! I was in my glory with a room full of the elderly! I loved it!

Now, on with the story.

Ok, so we are on this boat. I was wearing my amazing Sseko sandals. I had just gotten all the residents seated and was taking a few pictures to start out the trip. A waitress walked up to me and complimented me on my sandals. I told her about them and when I said "Africa" her eyes lit up.
I was able to tell her I had indeed been there, and it was for missions. She had been to China, Mexico, and Haiti for missions. It was amazing how similar our passions in life are. And we were able to find a few minutes here and there to get to talk throughout the day. We each shared some stories about our trips and exchanged information to write to each other.

She has three step sisters who are not believers and she has a huge burden for them. I can't begin to tell you how amazing her heart is. I never expected to meet Lynda that day, but she was such a blessing to me. She was such an encouragement to me. And she is also a massage therapist and told me that if I ever come up to the Quad Cities, she'll give me a massage for free!!

This woman is beautiful- inside and out. I just love it when God gives us such sweet little, unexpected gifts in our lives.

Understanding Southern

2010-09-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

I saw this on Facebook and laughed so hard! Oh, combine elderly with Southern and apparently this is what you get!!!

I will follow

2010-09-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

Update on William: How Beautiful!

2010-08-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

"How beautiful are the feet of those
who preach the good news!"

Rom 10:15 ESV

How beautiful is William's left foot? It is healing perfectly and surgery for the right foot is scheduled soon.

What an amazing testimony God has given this little guy!

Pray for William's heart and that he can come to know Christ as his Savior and be passionate about sharing the good news!

I'm going...

2010-08-22T08:47:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be an aunt!!

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting!! Baby Knobloch due to arrive March 21, 2011.

I'm so excited for them as they will make amazing parents!!

And well, I'm quite excited for myself to have a little nice or nephew!

one of those "God moments"

2010-08-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

I just have to tell you about my experience getting new tires.
I have had a "noise" coming from the rear section of my car for a while now.
It sounded like I had a bowling ball rolling around in the trunk, except there was no bowling ball.
So, one day I called this mechanic in town, dropped off my car and for $30 later he had inspected every inch on my car.
Apparently everything looked great on the body of the car.
But my rear tires had loose belts.
WHAT?? There are belts in tires?
News to me.

So, I headed over to Sam's Club to get me some new tires.
Only problem was that they didn't have the correct "rating" of tire as I needed.
Whatever that is.
So I went to Wal Mart.
Oh, what's that? They don't have my tires either.

Now, I drive a 2001 Honda Civic.
It's a pretty common car.
I see them everywhere.
So just where are these people getting their tires???

I gave in and went to Farm & Fleet.
And they just so happened to have my tires!
YES!
But I would have to wait 3 hours that day to even get started on my car and I had to work in 2 hours.
But if I was there at 8:30am the next morning, and was the first person to walk up to the counter after they unlocked the doors, I would be the first customer of the day.
The next day I was waiting (along with 30 other people) and sweating to death in the entry of F&F, waiting for the doors to get unlocked.
8:32am a woman meanders over and turns the key.

I was indeed the first customer at the tire counter.
I have a high respect for the elderly, but the gentleman with the Cadillac walker really should have moved faster if he didn't want to be passed.
I gave all the required information.
Wondering why they needed to know everything except my favorite pizza topping to change my tires.
I was told that it would be an hour.

So, yes, I would stay.
I kind of like an excuse to look around F&F for an hour.
They have the most unique things.
And the most unique people shop there.
Okay, maybe not "unique", so much as "hick".
But anyway, I looked at cowboy boots, read the labels of 13 shower/tub cleaners, and picked out paint samples for each room in my house.

After and hour and 15 minutes, I headed to the tire desk and asked about my car.
Why, YES, that is my car still sitting in the SAME parking spot I left it in over an hour ago and YES those are still the old tires.
What's that?
It takes longer if I get my car aligned?
Well, thank you for telling me that.

I headed into the waiting room and sat down.
I flipped through old "Better Homes & Gardens" and became depressed while looking at several "SHAPE" magazines.
A woman walked in, sat down across from me and took out a book.
I noticed she was looking at me every once in a while, so I asked her if she had an appointment or if she walked in.
Of course, she walked in.
At 9:00am.
Half an hour after me.
And her car was already on the lift getting the old tires removed.

She was quite chatty once I got her going, and I heard all about her life.
I got a vocabulary brush up as well.
Let's just say it's been a while since I've heard so many 4 letter words in a 15 minutes time span.
She then told me that she works at The Friendship House in Peoria.
Apparently, they offer services very similar to what Northern Churches Care did in Colorado Springs.
She said they are run primarily by volunteers and have had a shortage lately.
And have also had to cut positions due to lack of funding.
Her position there is HR/marketing.
I told her about my experience offering emergency services to the working poor in CO and about my Human Services degree.
And about finishing my BA and then MA degree.

She asked what school, and when I told her Colorado Christian, her entire demeanor changed.
No more 4 letter words.
No more slouching, speaking badly of people, and the slightly angry look on her face went away.
While I couldn't forget the vocab lesson I'd just had, I did appreciate the respect she showed me once finding out I was a Christian.

She invited me to come and apply for a part time position, telling me to use her as a reference (how do I tell them I know her- "met in waiting room at F&F last week". Yep, that sounds legit.)

I told her I was more interested in hearing about and even seeing their programs and I'd seriously consider volunteering one or two mornings a week.
At this point, I'll take all the experience I can get.
And I'd be really interested in how they run their program compared to NCC.

So, she gave me the director's contact info and told me to give her a call.
I called Monday, but the director was off.
So I called back today.
Once I said that my name is Heather and I had met Barb at F&F, she said "Oh, I heard all about you! You are an answer to prayer to want to volunteer right now!"

I talked to the director for a few minutes, and gave her my number to contact me with a time for me to come see their facility and learn more about their programs.

The Friendship House in a Christian organization and they run a program almost identical to NCC's, but they also have Dress for Success.

It ended up taking almost 3 hours to get my car done, but at that point, I didn't seem to mind.
I couldn't stop smiling as I walked away and thought, "that was a 'God moment'".

If I had been out of there in an hour, I never would have met Barb, never would have heard about The Friendship House, never would have learned there was a program like that offered in Peoria, and never would have had the opportunity to gain some more experience while helping others.

Goodbye.

2010-07-27T14:43:00.000-05:00

Something hits hard when one of you friends dies.
Your peer.
Someone you chatted with on the phone just to pass time.
Someone who attempted to teach you how to golf and fish.
Someone who you rode 4-wheelers with through fields and chatted with around a campfire.
Someone who shared years of memories in your life.
Someone who encouraged, challenged, and made your desire for Christ grow.

Jordan was one of my best friends when I was at ICC.
A small group of us hung out every weekend and several times during the week.
I have many memories of just simply living life with him.
And then he married one of my other dear friend and had two beautiful girls.
Together, he and Katelyn desired to serve their Lord and Savior with every part of their lives.
They have been an amazing example to me over the past few years.

Today I can't help but think of my mom.
She was also a young widow, having lost my dad to cancer in '91.
Something about having a situation so similar and so close to me makes what my parents when through so much more real.
At six years old, I missed a lot of what was going on. And that was for the best at the time.
Now I am realizing so much more of what had to have gone on.
I am at the place where I can start to put myself in my mom's shoes and try to imagine what all she went through.
But I can't ever imagine.
I don't ever want to.

It is hard to even fully comprehend at the moment that Jordan is gone.
It hasn't sunk in yet.
This afternoon I will go to his visitation and then his funeral tomorrow.
Reality will set in.
The truth will hit.
And for Katelyn, the girls and their families that truth will hit hard every moment of every day for a while.
Yet we know that Jordan has won!
He has gained the ultimate prize.
And that is an amazing reminder that our life here on earth isn't the purpose of our eternal souls, but simply a stopping place for a breath of time.

A Battle Cry Call to Fasting and Prayer!!

2010-07-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

CALLING ALL PRAYER WARRIORS!!!

From The Schros:

Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Battle Cry Call to Fasting and Prayer

Atten tion! All Christian Soldiers and Prayer Warriors of Jesus Christ

The time has come the time is now!

Jordan & Katelyn have considered their medical treatment options with no hope of improvement or a cure against this enemy and agent of death, this ever growing cancer; and they have decided to move Jordan home and cry out to God, the only source of Miraculous Hope.

As you read on their last post, they have laid all their hopes and dreams on God’s altar. They also know that the only one who can stay the knife has already died so they can live forever in Him.
He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how will he not also along with him also freely give us all things. Romans 8:32

They are begging all God’s people to fast and pray to God for them beginning Monday July 19, 2010. Please pray that God would be merciful to Jordan and Katelyn as he was merciful to nearly dead Epaphroditus and Paul in Phillipians 2:27.

In preparation, please consider what God did in the Bible and his amazing responses to fasting and prayer when his people were facing enemy, danger or death like Jehoshaphat in 2Chronicles
20:1-30, Hezekiah (2 Kings 20:1-11), Ezra (ch. 8:21-23), & Esther (ch.4:14-17); and even his response to some wicked men who fasted and prayed like the King of Ninevah (Jonah:3:5-10), & Ahab (1 Kings 21:20-29). See Isaiah 58 & Matthew 6:6-18 for further instructions.

Lastly remember the importance of fasting and prayer in healing the boy in Matthew 17:14-21 and don’t forget the words of Jesus,
This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting Mark 9:29

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. . . And he said, . . . I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live? 2 Samuel 12:16,22

Thanking you in advance for your prayers!
Jor dan and Katelyn’s Family & Friends

stop in awe

2010-07-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

Last night I took a walk under that stars.

I love walking at night.
The air is cool and there always seems to be a slight breeze.
The sound of insects is almost deafening if you stop to listen to it, otherwise it is unnoticed.
Windows are filled with warm glows from the lights inside.
The smells seem to be stronger. I LOVE how the smells change as you walk. Everything from dryer sheets to flowers to dirt fill the air with contrasting fragrances.

Most of all though, I love walking to the edge of town on a clear night and looking up at the blanket of starts overhead. Tiny white dots flicker in the black sky.
So beautiful.
I love how something that is there every night, can completely make me stand in awe of God when I just take a moment to stop and notice it.

i saw what i saw

2010-07-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

Today I was thinking back on my journey. The path I have traveled so far while here on this earth.

This song came on my iTunes tonight and it took me back...

...back to Jamaica and an infirmary filled with aging bodies with missing teeth, useless limbs, and hears of white and gray hair. Row after row of shacks, built out of any scrap of material that could be found. Children playing in the garbage dump.

...back to Haiti and the pregnant woman doing voodoo chants and the man who nearly died in the back of the van as we rushed him to the hospital. The dark faces and big brown eyes of dozens of kids just staring. Spending 3 days in a town with no electricity or running water and wondering how the people can live like that and yet they are happier than most Americans I know. The realization that less in this life is more in the next. The protruding bellies and orange hair of malnourished kids watching us eat the feast they prepared for us.

...back to Mexico and my little Martin. His tear stained cheeks as he sat on a rock out in the field. And his sad little heart hiding behind a cover of anger. His hand clasped in mine and his little crooked teeth shining through his smile. The pain of hearing he ran away the week after we left and he most likely returned to a life on the streets- at 8 years old.

...back to Mexico and Ibeth. The spiritual struggle so evident inside of her. Surrounded by family and friends who pull her one direction while the Holy Spirit leads another.

...back to the Human Service Center. Walking into a house with ERS to see 2 little kids standing there, watching while their dad walked down the stairs with blood dripping down his head as he was taken to the hospital for an attempted suicide. And the 16 year old girl who was pregnant by her uncle. Or the woman who had lost her 4 children due to her mental illness and self medication with drugs and alcohol. The story after story after story of generations of sin and bad choices being carried on to the next generation and watching the cycle start another round.

...back to Colorado Springs and Northern Churches Care. Hundreds of dirty, cold, hungry, smelly bodies lining up each week, hoping and praying for assistance. Pleading with us for a hundred dollars so they will not have their electricity turned off in the 30 degree weather. The phone call with the young woman who used her rent money to pay for an abortion and was now being evicted. Or the 20 year old girl who was living in her car. And the man who sat across the table from me, weeping because he could not provide for his family, telling me he had no reason to continue living.

...back to Zambia. Little William. Oh, precious William. The fist glimpse of him brought tears to my eyes. Visiting homes with cement floors and 9 people sleeping in an area that is smaller than my closet. Hearing how an 8 year old boy has scars from attempting to hang himself because of the abuse he received at home. The smell, sights and sounds of the market that reached for blocks. The poverty yet joyfulness of the people.

Each thought, each memory, and each experience has shaped me.

What has shaped you?

I Saw What I Saw

by Sara Groves

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

questions... only bring more questions...

2010-07-09T01:48:00.000-05:00

Work has pretty much consumed my life.

I've never been good at moderation.

But I have to say, I love my job!!
Most days I have a moment where I stop and think, "I get paid to do this???"
I truly love it!
It makes me sad to think about leaving the residents someday, yet that makes me want to enjoy every moment I have with them as much as I can.

I started reading Radical by David Platt.
I'm only on chapter 3 and I've got more questioning thoughts than when I began.

Lately I've been struggling with just how radical we are to live as Christians.
As I mentioned, I don't do moderation very well.
And the more I learn and study the life of Christ, the more I see a Man who didn't seek after things of this world, didn't want or have some excuse for the prosperity gospel that is so popular today.
Christ had nothing.
He gave everything.
He loed everyone.
He put Himself last. Always.
He was always about eternity- not things of this earth.

So, I come to the question of "What does living like Christ look like in my life?"

I can't shake the feelings, thoughts, and sights I experienced in Zambia.
I can't shake the feelings, thoughts, and sights I experienced at Northen Churches Care.
I can't shake the feelings, thoughts, and sights of living my very comfortable American life.

Do I sell everything I own?
Do I leave my family to share Christ with the lost?
Do I move to a third world country and live with only a handful of posessions?
Do I justify my comfortable life I have at the moment?
Is it enough to just cut out a few things?
To cut out the "extras", the things that aren't completely necessary, but keep enough to know I don't need to worry.
And does that worry actually translate into "lack of trust"?

See, each question leads to another.
I know that I can't keep going how I have been.
There is something deep inside of me that just can't accept that anymore.
But how extreme, how "radical" do I get?
Where do I draw the line?
That's where I'm at.
And if I figure out where that line should be, am I willing to not go past it?

hiatus. done.

2010-06-12T00:40:00.000-05:00

My blog hiatus is officially over.
May was a busy month and one used to focus on some other things in life.

I'll do a catch up post soon, but I just have to share this picture with you:

Do you see this smile?!?!?

William's corrective surgery is scheduled for June 17th. He was originally scheduled for the 3rd, but when he arrived at the clinic they found out he had malaria and could not operate until his body heals from that. Pray that his body will be healthy and strong for the 17th.

William just warms my heart. God has done some amazing work in his life and I can't wait to see what else is to come!!

Last Sunday our Zambia team did a presentation for our church. I talked about William and it was so encouraging to have people come up to me after and tell me that they are praying or that they want to give money or help him in some way.

God took our prayers and desire to help and turned it into something so much greater than we ever imagined!!!

NEW picture of William -sporting his casts!!!

2010-04-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

I love seeing this little face appear in my email! Dru sent a picture of William so we can visualize his progress a little better.

Here he is in his second set of casts. He will get this set off on May 5th and the 3rd set on.

Notice the difference already from his first picture! I can't believe it! God is so good and He is showing His love to William and so many in such an amazing way!!

Update- William's Casts

2010-04-24T16:34:00.000-05:00

I received the following in an email from Dru (American missionary in Zambia with Lifesong) on Friday.

PRAISE GOD for the progress being made in William's life!

Dear Prayer Warriors!

God is truly great. Today the first cast was removed from William's feet, and the doctors said there was a definite sign of improvement! The second cast was applied today; Lucy is to take him back to the clinic tomorrow Wednesday, April 22) morning for further instructions and then they will return to Kitwe. I am hoping we will be able to transport him to school on Friday so he can be with his friends and we can all pray over him together. The children and staff have all been in prayer for his healing.

The medical team will be in the Kitwe area on May 5, so we will avoid a trip to Lusaka for the third cast. On that date, they will remove this second casting and apply the third. We will then find out when he returns to Lusaka. The surgery will have to be done there.

We are all in tears over this good news. I don't know why, but I love that little boy so very much!!!!!!

Keep praying and please spread the good news to all who are praying with us. Thanks.

P.S. It is now Friday. William's mother brought him to school today to see his friends. He had a BIG smile and is walking on his casts--a bit teetery but walking! The doctor says he needs to do this to build strength. I asked Lucy what he said when they took off the first cast. He said, "I am healed."

In Christ,
Dru

Udi-ful

2010-04-15T06:20:00.001-05:00

I've been officially eating gluten free since August '09.

I'll be honest and say I have gone off the wagon once and became violently ill.
I decided that maybe I should just double check and be 100% positive that my body rejects gluten before I continue on in my life without gluten filled goodness.
I was really hoping I would be okay eating it.
Very much hoping.

Well, that and I was at the grocery store, stomach growling, and somehow found myself in the cookie isle (which I typically avoid like the plague to ward of a multiple day bout of severe depression).

I did a 3 day gluten indulgence, since, you know, if you're going to be truly scientific about this, you really need to test it over a multiple day period of time.
It was on day 3 I wanted to die, so the gluten indulgence stopped.

Then a 3 day marathon of wishing I was dead.

Yes, my body hates gluten.
It rejected it and told me so by way of very intense pain and an overall feeling of desiring death.

While traveling on this gluten-free journey, I have met several people who are also gf.
I have also met several people who think they should be but don't want to be.
Also people who recently joined the gf club.
And then you have those who still confuse gluten and lactose and fruit (don't ask, I don't know either) no matter how much I attempt to educate them.

I don't intend for this blog to turn into a gluten-free soapbox, but I do know that if you are starting out with a gf diet, it can feel overwhelming.

What CAN you eat?
What foods contain hidden gluten?
What gf food is actually edible?

Gluten free food is expensive.
It typically costs 2-5 times more than the wheat, barley, and rye filled versions.

So, I thought I would start sharing some of my favorite gluten-free products.
I can't promise this to be done on a regular basis, just whenever I come across something I love.
And lately I've found a few.

One brand I was introduced to while in Colorado is Udi's.
Udi's is based out of CO, and while it started with a gluten filled line of baked goods, they saw a need for delicious gluten-free products.

And let me tell you, they ARE delicious!

I'd eat Udi's even if I didn't have to.
THAT is how good it is.

They make an amazing pizza crust. You get 2 frozen crusts per package. If I recall correctly, it is about $7 for the package at the local health food store, but worth every penny!

Udi's got their gf start with their now famous White Sandwich bread.
You would bet big money it is just another fancy bakery bread.
SOO good!

I haven't tried their whole grain bread, but I've heard raving reviews that it's as good as the white.

Udi's also makes gf muffins and cinnamon rolls. I've ~~not found a local grocery store that sells these and I'm too cheap to pay shipping to order directly~~ been able to control myself so far.

So, there you have it, folks!

Go get yourself some Udi's to try today!

William WILL walk!

2010-04-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

PRAISE GOD!

I awoke to this email:

Dear Prayer Partners,

We are praising God here at Lifesong. Lucy, William and his mother traveled safely to Lusaka and visited the Beit CURE clinic on Monday morning. They were told that William can be helped! On Wednesday, April 14, he will have both feet placed into plaster casts. These will be changed every Wednesday for three weeks, and then he will have surgery. I do not know what percent of correction they are expecting, but Lucy seemed very confident from what she was told. The casts could be changed here in Kitwe, but Dr. Swann himself (the director) saw William and said he wanted to handle his case personally.

Yesterday I was told that when William was younger he once asked his mother, "Why am I like this? Why do the other children walk on the bottom of their feet and I walk on the sides?" I guess the answer now is so that God can be glorified. I am so thankful to Lifesong for being here to help get him where he needed to go. We are all just instruments in God's hands.

I will keep you all posted.

In Christ's love,
Dru

Read more on William here, here, here, here, and here.

William is GETTING HELP!

2010-04-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

As the sun sets here on the vibrant Spring Illinois skyline, it is rising across the world and bringing with it new hope!

As we close our eyes to sleep tonight, little William will be opening his to welcome in Monday morning.
This is not just any Monday morning, but one that may hold a future in the words that will be spoken.

This Monday in Lusaka, Zambia may very well change William's life!!

His mother, Charity, and his teacher, Lucy Musukwa, took him. They left Sunday and stayed overnight to visit the CURE clinic on Monday, April 12, for "review and prognosis".

Dru, an American missionary in Zambia involved with Lifesong school, sent the following in an email this last week:

I am asking God for a total cure of this condition. William is a very sweet little boy who tolerates the pain and suffering but rarely smiles. However, occasionally I catch him playing with his friends and grinning! He has finally gotten used to me and even seeks me out for comfort now. I firmly believe that God sent him to our school so he could get the medical help he needs.

WOW! It is amazing that he is allowing his heart to open up just a little and accept Dru's love! May this be the beginning of him learning what true, unconditional love is- that love that comes from His Creator... his Heavenly Father!!!

I will post an update as soon as I hear anything.

Please, take a few minutes before you get all cozy in bed. Stop and kneel beside your bed and say a prayer for William, his family, teacher Lucy, CURE staff who will be evaluating him, and wisdom for the decisions that will be made from the information that is received.

Perfect spring day

2010-03-25T10:04:00.000-05:00

The lilacs buds have pushed through.

The daffis are ready to bloom.

Rain is dancing on the leftover fall leaves.

Now if today brings a thunderstorm, it couldn't get any more perfect!

Those eyes!!

2010-03-24T08:46:00.001-05:00

Saturday night a few of us from my Zambia team got together to write letters to the kids.

David brought a bio sheet for each child. All 214 of them.

We each picked several kids we had connected with to write to.
We decided to each pick around 7 kids, but I think we all ended up with about 15 kids we wrote to.
How can you say no to those kids? Seriously.

Reading through each of their bio sheets and looking at the picture of their big brown eyes and white smiles melted my heart, again.

Oh, those children have stolen my heart.

I often think about them as I go about my day. Just doing the normal, every-day tasks and a face flashes through my thoughts. And I smile as I think about the blessing those kids were to me. The love they have within them, a love that has survived an enormous amount of pain.

I am currently featuring one child each week on the HELP William facebook page. Introducing them as William's friend, it seemed a perfect way to share these precious children with many.

And just in case you are reading this and are not (yet) a fan of HELP William on facebook, here is William's first friend, Alice.

Photo by Taryn Kaiser of Imagine Artists

This is Alice.
She will be 8 years old in August.
Her father is deceased and her mother is remarried. Lifesong school has been told that the stepfather does not like Alice or her two siblings and mistreats them this is very common for stepparent/child situations in Zambia).
Alice is new to Lifesong school this year and is in the nursery class, which is the youngest class.

Please pray for Alice this week.

Pray she can know that she has a Father who loves her and will never leave her or hurt her.
Pray she can learn at school and continue on to the next class in the coming year.
Pray that her body would stay healthy from malaria and other common illnesses.
Pray that she will come know Jesus Christ as her Savior.

*Want to learn more about Lifesong for Orphans? Or specifically help Alice, William or the other 212 kids at Lifesong school in Zambia?

It's simple. All you have to do is click HERE.

Monday means food... and a few thoughts

2010-03-08T12:09:00.000-06:00

It's Monday.
A day that most of us here in America do not look forward to.
Mondays mean back to work, up early to get the kids ready for school, time to put the house back into order, another 5 days at the office until we are free.

Mondays mean the relaxation and enjoyment of the weekend has ended and work begins again.

Growing up in America, I dreaded Mondays.
Monday morning meant another week of school- 5 whole days until the weekend- which equaled freedom!

As I looked at the picture of William this morning, I thought of how different his Monday morning is.

You see, the kids at Lifesong school look forward to Monday ALL weekend long.

Why?
Monday morning means food in their starving bellies.

The kids are fed 2 nutrient packed meals a day at Lifesong.

At home there is often no food to be eaten.

Lunch on Friday is the last meal most of the kids eat until they return to Lifesong for breakfast on Monday morning.

Imagine going without food from 12:00pm on Friday until 8:00am on Monday morning.
That is life for a Lifesong child.

And they are the lucky kids.
Children who are not attending Lifesong will go days without eating during the week.

I don't have children, but I do have a job where I cook meals for people.
I often hear, "I don't like that".
My first thought is, "You have food. Be thankful you simply have food. Eat it!"

Then I feel a tiny prick in my heart.
How often do I tell God, "I don't like that".
I have so much more that most of the people breathing and walking this earth today, and yet I complain.

And the reminder grows even stronger when they give up a delicious grilled pork chop or baked chicken breast for a beanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I stand there, sweat on my brow, the stench of food seeped into my clothing and pores and think, "How many times do I give up the better choice for peanut butter and jelly?"

We have a lot.
We are responsible for a lot.
What are you doing with your responsibility?

Just a few thoughts in my head this morning.

Happy Monday!

*ALL photos taken by Taryn Kaiser. Check out her website here.

HELP William Walk

2010-03-08T07:30:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wanted to make a difference?

To change a life?
To change the world by helping a child?

Now you can!

YOU can help William walk!

Let me tell you how.

1. You PRAY.

2. You GIVE.

*All donations to Lifesong are tax deductible and 100% of the donation will go towards helping William.

How do you give?

ONLINE

Click on the picture to be taken to the Lifesong website where you can make a donation through Paypal.
Put "William's feet - Zambia" in the Description box.

BY CHECK

Make your check out to Lifesong for Orphans with "William's feet - Zambia" in the memo.
Mail the check to:

Lifesong for Orphans

PO Box 40
Gridley, IL 61744

Update on William

2010-03-04T23:03:00.000-06:00

God has been so good!

Wendy, a lady from my church, has an amazing heart for people with disabilities. She is a mom of 5 (yes, FIVE) kids, and has taken William and finding him help upon herself as if he was one of her children.

Wendy has been a total God-send!! We all wanted to help him, but once we started to look into things, we were feeling so overwhelmed with not knowing what to do next and what our options were and what exactly we even wanted to do.

A local hospital and surgeon here in Central IL have been contacted and the surgeon is going to look at x-rays that are in route from Zambia. Once the surgeon sees the x-rays he will be able to determine if:
1. he is even able to help William,
2. the approximate cost of the surgery
3. the amount of after care and post op therapy William will need

The Zambian embassy said that they will not issue a visa for William until all of the money is raised and we have proof of that. But we don't know the amount of the surgery yet or if the surgery is even a for sure option at this time. It all depends on what the surgeon says from the x-rays.

There is only a small chance that the surgery would not be a possibility, so we are waiting to hear more specifics.

I will update you all once I hear anything.

For now, please pray.

William is just one child that Lifesong for Orphans helps. While we will need monetary donations once we get a specific amount for William, if you would like to make a donation to Lifesong now, you can do so online by clicking here.

i miss

2010-02-22T11:06:00.000-06:00

this...

But I do have to say the snow here in IL is absolutely beautiful right now!

HAPPY MONDAY!

thoughts

2010-02-15T22:43:00.000-06:00

I'm still unwrapping my thoughts from Zambia.

I had the most amazing dream last night.

I have one little black hand clasped around each of mine.
There were giggles and bodies jumping as big brown eyes looked up into mine and a smile that flashed white teeth stretched ear to ear.

I couldn't help but smile myself.
I let out a sigh of contentment and took in a deep breath.
And in that moment reality hit.
The smell of dirty bodies filled my nostrols.

What hell are these kids living in right now?
What future do these precious kids have?
What is the purpose of their lives?
Why so much pain in their lives?
How can I show them love?
How do I tell them about the love their heavenly Father has for them?
What am I supposed to do?

I feel overwhelmed by love and pain for them.

And tears began to run down my face.
A little hand tugged at my shirt and as I looked down with tears welling from my eyes, chasing one after the other down my cheeks, I heard, "Don't cry. I love you mommy."

I woke this morning and just sat and thought.
And cried.
Oh, how my heart longs to hold those little hands and give them a home and a mother's love.
I will say that the thought of adopting was on my mind often while in Zambia.
Now if God will just bring along a man to help me, I'll be set!

If it was up to me, I'd be on a plane headed to Africa right now.
With all of my belongings.
And no return ticket.
But as I was discussing with a close friend tonight, I know that God has me here, in Morton, IL right now.
And while I can't physically be in the same place as the kids, I have many resources and opportunities here to impact them.
What does God want me to do here?
What doors will He open and what resources will He connect me with to help the kids in Zambia?
He has already given me several ideas, and I'm excited to see what comes of them.
And what miracles He will work!

One thing I know for sure is that my eyes have been opened and I am now responsible.

And it's not a matter of IF I will return, but WHEN. :)

Precious little William

2010-02-01T12:30:00.001-06:00

This is William.

Monday morning we arrived at Lifesong school and met the kids as they were starting their morning singing and exercise time.

You couldn't help but smile at their excited and curious eyes and enthusiasm!

That is until my eyes fell upon this precious little guy, William.

William was born with club foot.
A condition that is easily treated at birth here in the US.

He walks completely on the sides of his feet.
He will either walk the 1+ mile to school each day, or somedays his older brother (who is barely taller than him) will carry him on his back.

William's physical condition is enough to break your heart, but one look into his empty eyes, there are no words for the depth of pain and hollowness within them.

I don't know much about William's life story, but his eyes tell of loneliness and pain.

I asked Dru, who is an American working with Lifesong in Zambia, about William. She said that she took him to a doctor in Kitwe and he told her that for just a few thousand dollars they can do surgery but it will only correct his feet about 35%.

Dru said her dream is for William to be connected with an organization that is experienced in taking children with conditions like William to the States to do a major and more effective surgery and treatment here.

William stole all of our hearts.

Many tears were shed over him and the pain he has and is experiencing in his few short years of life.

I have a special place in my heart for people, especially children, with disabilities.

Working with adults with disabilities has opened my eyes to the challenges something like this can present to a person here in the US, let alone a country such as Zambia.

If anyone knows of an organization that works with children who have a condition such as club foot, I would love to get connected with them.

We are faithfully praying and believing that God will provide an opportunity for William to get the corrective surgery he needs.

Not even a snapshot.

2010-02-01T09:35:00.000-06:00

I've started writing this post more times than I can count.

My attempt of putting my thoughts and feelings about the time I spent in Kitwe, Zambia, Africa down in written form is almost impossible.

I know I left part of my heart in Zambia.

While I am sitting on my plush bed in my warm room in my house filled with every convenience I could ever want, I've never felt more uncomfortable or unsatisfied in my life.

I've been to Mexico more times than I can count, Haiti once and Jamaica twice.
Each place left an imprint on my heart, yet none like Africa.

I received warning after warning that the red soil will seep into my soles and will forever be with me.
I thought, "Sure, the poverty and pain will hit me. But I will go home and it'll be an experience I had and they may be some lasting changes in my life but it will no different than any of my other experiences."

I was wrong.

Now I understand.

From sitting for 2+ hours in church listening to some of the most beautiful singing I have ever heard.
To having children fight for a loving touch.
To seeing the homes the kids are living in.
To walking through a local market.
To seeing the scars from abuse.
To knowing the depth of their poverty and seeing the emptiness in their eyes, Zambia has left a permanent impression on my heart that will not quickly fade away.

As I take time to sit and reflect over my last 10 days and read through my journal, I'll write more.
For now though, please pray.
There is no greater thing we can do for these kids than to pray for them.

ZAMBIA- here I come!

2010-01-20T11:04:00.000-06:00

It feels so surreal.

Tomorrow I'll be boarding a plane to fly across the world...

...TO AFRICA!

A dream come true!

Please be in prayer for my team:

Chalise, David, Holly, Katrina, Kent, Leah, Leslie, Sheila, Taryn, Tony, Tracy, Tyler, and myself.

I'm posting our schedule below if you'd like to pray more specifically for each day.

Thursday, January 21
- 12:10pm - Depart Bloomington airport Delta flight 5593 to arrive at 3:00pm in Atlanta
- 6:55pm - Depart Atlanta Delta flight 200 to arrive in Johannesburg at 5:05pm on next day

Friday, January 22
- 5:05pm: Arrive Johannesburg. Clear Customs. Check into Hotel

Saturday, January 23
- 9:30am: check out of Hotel
- 12:20pm: Depart Johannesburg South African Airways Flight 8156 to arrive in Ndola, Zambia at 2:50pm
- 2:50pm: Arrive in Ndola. Depart for Kitwe, Zambia to arrive at approximately 5:15pm
- 5:15pm: Check into New Life Center

Sunday, January 24
- 8:30am: Church
- 11:00am - ???: Meetings, Shopping, Dinner, etc.

Monday, January 25 - Thursday, January 28
- 7:00am - 5:00pm: VBS, help in school, visit homes etc.
- 6:00pm - Evening spent at New Life Center

Friday, January 29
- 7:00am - 2:00pm: Farewell Celebration at school
- 2:00pm - Pack up
- 3:00pm - Leave New Life Center for Nsobe Game Camp. Spend evening eating, relaxing, sleeping etc.

Saturday, January 30
- 11:00am - Leave Nsobe Game Camp for Ndola Airport
- 3:25pm: Depart Ndola, Zambia South African Airways Flight 8157 to arrive in Johannesburg at 5:55pm
- 9:05pm: Depart Johannesburg Delta flight 201 to arrive at 6:45am in Atlanta

Sunday, January 31
- 8:45am: Depart Atlanta Delta flight 5468 to arrive in Bloomington at 9:37am

Please pray that above all, God's will be done and He be glorified in our travels, time in Africa, in the lives of those we interact with, and our return home!!

So friends, until I get home, grace and peace to you!

Haiti

2010-01-17T21:17:00.000-06:00

After all the comments, conversations, and articles I had read.
After trying to picture and imagine the intensity of it all.
After feeling overwhelmed attempting to wrap my head around it.
It finally seemed real.

Sitting in front of the TV, watching footage of burning bodies.

How can they film that?

I just can't imagine.

Watching the images flash across the screen, I was moved.

That broke my heart and boggled my mind.
The intensity of the pain and loss.

I had heard about the earthquake in Haiti, even read a few articles online, but it wasn't until I saw real, live footage that it became reality to me.

Haiti is a beautiful country with beautiful people who are desperately lost.
It is a country that will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Following is a post I wrote about my trip to Haiti in 2001.

Last night I stepped out on the porch, pulling the heavy door closed behind me, exhausted and tired from the day.

As I took a breath of the hot humid air, I was taken back to a very similar night 8 years ago.

The thick, hot air, heavy with a smell of smoke filled my lungs and tickled my nose.

It was March of 2001. I was a sophomore in high school, excited for an adventure.

When I stepped off the plane in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, I never imagined what I would see, smell, feel and learn the following days.

The entire country smelled like a bonfire. If I remember right, up in the mountains they do controlled burns and with the humidity the smell lingers for days. I love the smell, and now every night like tonight I am taken back to another world.

I saw poverty that made my stomach turn and brought tears to my eyes.

Words can not describe the feeling you get when eating a feast (literally) while having 25 children with protruding bellies watch you put each bite in your mouth.

That week I experience spiritual warfare as I had never before. On our way to Fidel, a small town in the mountains 96 miles from Les Cayes, we stopped at a small town to eat lunch. A women who appeared to be about 8 months pregnant approached our group. Her shirt was badly torn and she wore no shoes. She took a cup of water and began to dance around us, chanting and singing while sprinkling the water on us. With each step she took, I felt an eerie presence grow. A chill ran through my body and soon goose bumps appeared on my arms. I was freezing while sitting in the hot, humid sun. I could feel the evil in her. I was told that the woman was doing a Voodoo chant on us. My heart broke for this woman and for the life growing inside her. Her child would be 8 years old now and I often think of her and her baby and pray that they can come to know Christ as their Savior.

Thinking back, I am again overcome with emotion.

It was my first experience life and death poverty.

There just aren't words to describe what I felt. Emotions so intense that they took my breath away and brought me to my knees in tears.

Intense joy and intense pain. And a love so deep and strong it can only come from Christ.

Haiti left an imprint on my heart. It changed my heart and as I got off the plan back here in Illinois, I knew I would never be the same. I could never look at life the same as I had before.

I often think about Haiti and the people I met there.

As the air took me back last night, I welcomed the memories and the emotions that come with them. My heart aches and I can't keep the tears held back as I think of so many who are deceived and dying without Christ.

NOT disabilities at all!

2010-01-15T06:53:00.001-06:00

This video brought tears to my eyes.

I work with adults with developmental disabilities and get so frustrated when people treat them as though they are incapable of doing anything.

When I am interacting with the residents' families, I think about it from a parental perspective. I can't imagine having a child and then finding out that all of my hopes and dreams for that child will never be reality.

But this dad didn't let that stop him from helping his son live!
I LOVE this!

He says he realized he would never play sports, but that he can play music!

He looked at the abilities and did not focus on the limits!

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

2010-01-13T07:52:00.001-06:00

I was reading in Psalms yesterday.

The heading for chapter 33 was "The Steadfast Love of the Lord"

5 He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord.

6 By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host.

7 He gather the waters if the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses.

8 Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him!

9 For He spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.

18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, and whose hope is in His steadfast love,

19 that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.

20 Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.

21 For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name.

22 Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in You.

I've known, for as long as I can remember, that God spoke the world into being.
I've known it for so long that is has become a fact, something I acknowledge and then keep on reading.
Yet when I read these verses in Psalm 33, I felt so overwhelmed by God.

The same God who spoke the world into being.
Hello, people!
God spoke WORDS and this earth was CREATED!

Think about it.
Don't just accept or dismiss it as fact, but really think about it.

This same God, who spoke the world into being, is our help and our shield!
This same God, who spoke the world into being, delivers our souls!
This same God, who spoke the world into being, has His eye on those who fear Him and who hope in His steadfast love!
This same God, who spoke the world into being, invites us to hope in Him!

Do you ever get completely overwhelmed when you think about God's love for us?
When you contemplate just how BIG God is?
I do.

Lord, I stand in awe!
And I love it when You open my eyes a little more to see and understand You!!

This world is not our home.

2010-01-12T14:34:00.000-06:00

It is moments like I had today that remind me that this world is not our home.

I met Jane when I was working at Eureka Apostolic Christian Home (EACH) in activities. She was my coworker and immediately became my friend. She took my under her wing and shared her many words of wisdom and life experiences with me.

When our boss retired and I became the Activity Director, I was terrified. Jane was there at my side, supporting me as I learned my new responsibilities.

She was every managers dream and she made me look good!
She was the one I could count on to get something done and do it the right way.
She was creative and caring.
She was an amazing worker and has the best sense of humor!

I spent many lunch hours sitting across the table from her, gaining words of wisdom for life.
And many evenings with her and her husband, Jerry.
Jerry was hard of hearing and would sit and listen and ask random questions in the middle of conversations- only because he could hardly hear!

He was a precious man.
Such a kind heart.
So sweet and loving.
They took me in and made me feel like part of their family.

I received a phone call today from Jane's sister-in-law, telling me that Jerry died last night.
He had a massive heart attack and stroke.
He went peacefully.

My heart aches for Jane and their family.
I can't begin to imagine how Jane is feeling.
After living life with someone for so many years, raising children together and making plans for your future together- and then he's gone.

Right in front of us.

2010-01-11T22:31:00.000-06:00

Today I received an email from, Jenny, my practicum supervisor from Northern Churches Care.
It is all too perfect that she sent it on a Monday. :)

It took me back to my Monday nights at NCC.
Monday nights filled with chaos.
Monday nights that I looked forward to almost more than anything else.
Monday nights that have changed me.
Monday nights that took my attitude and perspective and turned them both upside down.

I am so thankful for my time there.
The lessons I learned in those 6 hours each week were just as valuable and even more powerful than the 12-15 I spent in the classroom.

NCC wasn't theory, stories, or second-hand encounters, it was real life.
Real people.
Real poverty.
Real pain.

Reality.

I think often of a handful of clients whose stories touched my heart.
The tears that were shed.
Ears listened.
Prayers prayed.
Words encouraged.
Hugs embraced.

It is one thing to go to a third-world country and spend a week or two doing missions work.
It is a whole other thing to go into your community each week and see the same struggle to survive from one day to the next.

Maybe it is because I am starting to pack and prepare for Zambia, but I can't stop thinking about the need here at home.
There is such a great need in my own backyard.
I have coworkers, people I interact with on a daily basis, who are struggling to pay their rent, keep food on the table and a roof over their heads.

I struggle to figure out what God wants me to do.
Maybe it is to sit and pray.
Maybe to encourage.
Maybe to get up and do something.

But there is a stirring in my heart for those here at home.
Those who need to see the love of Christ in tangible ways.
So I pray.
And trust that God will open doors with opportunities and/or open my eyes more to specific needs for prayer.

So many times we get caught up in thinking we have to go somewhere and do something big to make a difference.

So many times we miss the opportunities right in front of us.

Disco Sweat

2010-01-07T22:22:00.000-06:00

Sunday night I stopped by the CILA I primarily worked at before I left for CO and spent a few hours with the ladies there.

It was so good to catch up with them, and after a few minutes of the excitement wearing off, two of them had a discussion about something and I just stood there and laughed because some things never change!! It was as though I had never left.

I was once again reminded how much I love spending time with those ladies and the fact I get paid to do it, just makes it so much greater!

I was supposed to return to work tonight, but they had a call-in yesterday, so I filled in a second shift at another house.

It was library night, so after dinner we loaded in the mini-van (yes, I am cool like that) and headed out.

The guys I was working with are hilarious!
Actually, now that I think about it, all of the male residents are pretty funny!
For the most part, the guys are easy going and have a good sense of humor.
And just like to have a good time.

Resident #1: "Women are craaaazy!"

Resident #2: "Waa-oohhhhhhhhh!! Did you just say that? You didn't just say that!!"

Resident #3: "I think he did. Oh, my!! I think he did! And there is a lady in here. She's not crazy! No, she's not crazy."

Me: "Yeah! I heard that! I'd be careful what you say! Am I crazy? Huhhh?"

Resident #1: "You're not a woman, you're staff."

Me: laughing so hard I can't talk!!

Maybe you had to be there, or know these guys, but they were having the time of their lives!
And I LOVE that!
I love watching them enjoy life!

Then tonight I worked at another CILA.
This one is ladies.
I worked there a little before I left, so I had gotten to know them a bit, but it took them a little while to warm up to me again.
I was there with another staff, who is amazing with them!
After dinner and before the evening snack, she told them it was exercise time!

I was giving one of the ladies her meds and heard some laughter in the living room. I look over into the living room to see the other residents and staff dancing with Richard Simmons to "Disco Sweat"!

So... we all boogied for the next 30 minutes (let me tell you, that video is a workout! I take back my skepticism for Mr Simmons)!

I didn't think I could laugh harder than I did on Wednesday night, but I'm pretty sure I beat that tonight!

Do you see now why I love my job?
You never know what you will hear... or see... or end up doing!!!

new year, new plans, new changes.. all in His time.

2010-01-05T07:10:00.001-06:00

Summer '09 I felt restless.

I LOVED (can I say it again, I LOVED) my job, I was excited for FLI, I had been accepted to ISU for the Bachelors of Social Work program for Fall '10, I was involved in a few ministries that I was passionate about, and I had time to spend with my family and friends.

Life was good.

Life was set and predictable.

Life was manageable and managed.

May I repeat, life was good.

But there was a restlessness inside of me.

I excused the feeling, thinking it was excitement and possibly a little nervousness about Colorado.

There was so much unknown, so much new, and so much anticipation ahead.

As September approached, I was excited and ready to have an adventure for a few months, but then come back home and return to my previously scheduled 5 year plan.

I'll embrace an adventure, but only after considering the pros and cons, looking into the possibilities, examining about every detail and then thinking about it for a sufficient amount of time.

Are you reading between the lines here or are you going to make me spell it out??

Ok, I can admit that I have ~~some~~ control issues ~~at times~~.

I like to be in control.

I like to feel like I know what I am getting myself into and what I am doing.

I like to feel secure.

I like predictability.

And I like knowing what is ahead.

I've justified this by calling it maturity.

I am responsible, right?

Only the immature take off at a moment's notice and fly by the seat of their pants, embracing every fun or exciting opportunity that comes their way.

I was the mature one.

I was the responsible one.

I was the controlling one. (OUCH!)

While I had prayed about what the next few years would bring, my prayers were usually done while making up my mind and just praying for open doors. And those doors were ones that I knew were open already. I know that God could have closed any of those doors at any time, but I honestly don't know what I would have done, had it happened.

As I arrived in Colorado with Mom and Grandma in September, I had this feeling. Not a clear feeling or prompting, but one that made me take a second to think, "I'm in for something here".

I fully intended to live in Colorado Springs until December, move home, and then occasionally visit friends or vacation there.

The first few weeks were hard.

I had some altitude sickness and was exhausted all the time.

My roommates were worried that it would be a normal occurrence for me to fall asleep where ever I was sitting or laying down at 9pm. Let's just say I unintentionally slept on the couch several times the first month.

I was tired, achy and had no appetite (which I didn't complain about!) and was pretty much an emotional wreck from it all.

I was also overwhelmed with class.

So much information in so little time.

And no time to take it all in and process it.

I learned that I am a processor.

I need time to get away and be quiet and think about it all.

I need time to sort through my thoughts, record them and figure it out.

I began to envy the people who sat, listened, absorbed and went about their day.

Back to the point...

I've mentioned before about my practicum at Northern Churches Care.

I hated it at first and then cried when I walked our the door the last night.

I loved it.

But more than anything I loved the people.

I loved sitting face to face with someone who was overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, stressed, or at their end and hearing their story.

I loved being invited into their journey and supporting them.

I loved walking with them for a while.

I loved asking questions to get them thinking.

I loved speaking truth into their lives.

And I loved praying with them.

I would frequently get asked by my classmate, who was also assigned to NCC, how I got people to talk. I told her that I don't know.

I like to ask questions.

I like to connect.

I like to support.

But people just offered information.

At times, I couldn't get them to stop with the information.

Did I tell you about the 20 minute phone conversation with the elderly woman who had weeping wounds on her legs? Twenty minutes of how often and exactly how her daughter and caregiver wrap her legs. Ewww! I was never more thankful for my experience as a CNA than during that conversation!

I learned a few things there...we'll just leave it at that.

I shouldn't day I loved everything at NCC.

I HATED the paperwork.

I despised it.

No thank you!

Good thing is that my classmate, Emily, loved it.

More power to her!

So I did the talking and she did the paperwork.

We made a great team!

And I loved her more with each chart she filed!

As the semester went on, I met one-on-one with each of my professors.

One of them asked me what I want to do with my life.

I told him that there are just too many different populations of people that I can't decide.

I love having the option of working with several populations and that's one of the main reasons I chose Social Work.

He then asked me about my previous work experiences.

I talked, he listened.

Then at the end he told me, "I know what you should do".

I was all ears.

He said that every time I talked about helping people in a relational way, in a coming along beside them and journeying with them, and a counseling type of way, my eyes would light up.

Hmmmmm....

He then asked me a question he brought up many times in class throughout the semester:

"What breaks your heart and baffles your mind?"

Many things break my heart and baffle my mind.

But one thing that stands out is the pain and suffering in the body of Christ.

The hurt, loneliness, shame, addictions, and unhealthy ways of coping.

Those things handicap the body of Christ.

They prevent people who are passionate for Christ from acting out and being the hands and feet of Christ.

They prevent people from living lives of freedom.

Before Focus, I had the mindset that it was the stronger Christians who worked in a secular environment.

Only the weak Christians or the ones who couldn't take it in the "real world" stayed in a Christian environment and called it a ministry.

If that was true, I'm the weakest! I've never worked in an environment that wasn't Christian.

But I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and thought I'd be a better person to work for a state agency.

I realized that it doesn't matter if the agency or organization is "Christian", as Dr. Tackett says, "it is all sacred". And it's true.

We need to be working where we were made to work, doing what we were made to do.

If you were made to be a farmer but decided that being a pastor is a higher calling, you are not being obedient and using the gifts and talents God gave you.

When Dr. Tackett talked about this, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach where I knew I needed to take some time to look at my own thoughts and beliefs and get this aligned with the Truth.

About a month into the semester I just couldn't shake that restless feeling.

And it came about each time I'd think about my future.

Each time I'd think about going home, going back to work, starting ISU, and finishing my 5 year plan.

I felt almost sick when I thought about it.

Hadn't I prayed about this?

Hadn't God opened the doors?

Wasn't this the easiest and most practical path to take?

It was with that thought that the Holy Spirit whispered, "Do you trust Me?".

Uhhh, "yes...".

I wanted to.

Was I willing to look at other options?

Was I willing to actually take steps to check out other options?

I wanted to be willing.

But wanting to be and actually being are two different things.

I am not the adventure seeker.

I was the one who was going to stay in Morton until I died.

I was content there.

My life was there.

What was going on?

I wrestled with God.

I prayed for clarity.

I prayed for direction.

Nothing.

Just that same feeling of uneasiness.

So I decided to take a few steps.

See where they led.

Maybe nowhere.

Maybe to a closed door.

Maybe right back to where I started.

Or maybe in a whole other direction.

More than ever I wanted to finish my degree.

That much I knew.

And I was starting to lean more towards a psychology undergrad with a Social Work Master's, or even a Counseling Master's.

So I made appointments at University of Colorado Colorado Springs (UCCS), Colorado State University (CSU) in Pueblo, and Colorado Christian University (CCU) in Lakewood (Denver suburb).

Appointment with UCCS they canceled.

Fine with me, I wasn't all that impressed with them anyway.

Appointment with CSU they originally scheduled over Thanksgiving week.

Once they realized that they called to reschedule but their times they could meet with me and the times I could meet with them never meshed.

Appointment with CCU was set for one of the 2 free afternoons I had each week.

So I went.

I liked CCU's mission, their integration of faith with academics and the attitude of everyone there, students included, was inviting.

I sat in on an Abnormal Psychology class, went on a tour of campus, and met with a transfer admissions counselor.

I was drawn to CCU, but hated the campus!

If you are a freshman, coming right out of high school it's an amazing environment.

Even for a 19 year-old transfer student it would be perfect.

A 25 year-old nontraditional student?

Not quite so much.

I told the admissions counselor what I thought.

He told me about CCU's Adult Degree Completion (ADC) program.

I had looked at the ADC on their website, but I wasn't interested in any of the majors offered.

They did have a psychology minor.

But no major.

The very polite and helpful young man sitting across the table from me wrote a name and number on the back of his card and told me to call and find out more about the ADC.

While CCU Lakewood and CCU ADC are both CCU, they are technically 2 separate schools.

Which means if I started at one, I'd have to apply to transfer to the other.

He mentioned the possibility of starting in the ADC program and getting prior approval to transfer more credits than is typically allowed to UCC Lakewood when I was in the last semester or two of classes.

I wasn't thrilled with the idea.

So I drove the hour back to Colorado Springs more confused and annoyed.

I just didn't feel right about ISU anymore, but then where was I supposed to go?

I tried to tell myself not to worry about it, and that God would provide direction in His time, but it's hard to sit there sometimes.

I don't like to sit and be still.

But that is exactly what God was going to make me do.

I still had this desire and peacefulness about living in CO, but it wasn't making sense.

The semester kept picking up momentum and it got easier and easier to fill my thoughts with other things.

Wrapping my mind around Naturalism, Deism, and Postmodernism took up plenty of my mental energy. Sleep deprivation and reading 120 pages each night doesn't help much either.

Fast forward to the end of the semester at graduation.

Then keep going.

To the week following graduation.

I wanted to stay in the Springs for an extra week as part of a program they have for students who have just graduated from the Institute. You help out the Resident Supervisor a few hours in exchange for a free place to live (your apartment) for a week or two. This gives students who want to move to CO Springs more time to find a job and an apartment or if you just want to explore the Springs more.

I wanted to stay to have some down time before jumping into the holidays at home, also help the RS out, and I knew it would be a reality check of what life in CO would be like without the Focus community surrounding me.

We graduated on a Tuesday, everyone moved out by noon on Wednesday.

I spent Thursday afternoon at a professors house, helping her get ready for the Institute staff Christmas party and then watching her kids.

Friday I went on one last hike.

I ended up on the exact trail of the first hike I took when I arrived in September and it felt so fitting to end where I began.

I took my journal and had some quiet time overlook Cheyenne Canyon.

Then Friday afternoon I had a meeting with an LCSW who works in the Counseling Dept. at Focus. I had met her through a classmate in the counseling practicum earlier in the semester and she allowed me an hour of her time to pick her brain about social work.

While I loved hearing why she chose SW and her experiences, her reasons were all the reasons I don't want to do SW. I left there feeling even stronger about not going the SW route, at least for undergrad.

My car was on empty (please don't tell my mother), so I went from Focus to the gas station. I pull out my credit card and another card came with it.

The business card the admission counselor at CCU gave me over a month ago.

The business card with the name and number of the lady in the Springs with CCU's ADC program on it.

The business card I almost pitched because I in my experiences with colleges, they make very few exceptions to the rules so I figured why bother.

That morning on my hike I had prayed for God to open a door if I was supposed to move back to CO.

I needed something clear.

Something obvious to make me keep looking and heading in that direction.

I was at the point where I just wanted some direction.

Any.

I'd stay in Morton and go to ISU, or I'd be happy in CO, or I'd even move wherever- I just needed something!

Without thinking about my pleading with the Lord that morning, I gave the number a call.

I explained that I had visited CCU Lakewood, I really like CCU but that campus and the program there just isn't for me. And that I didn't want to do any of the majors they offered in the ADC program, as I wanted to do psychology, and they have a minor but not a major, but I just wanted to call before I threw the card away.

I could just hear the smile in her voice as she said, "Well, actually... I have two answers for you".

I like two answers.

Two answers means options.

I like options.

She explained that she couldn't tell me "officially" because it wasn't technically announced yet because they didn't have an official start date, but CCU ADC program had been approved for a psychology major! She just didn't know when they would implement it. But she would check with her boss and let me know.

Oh, and did I want to come in and talk face-to-face and get more information?

Oh, I'm leaving Tuesday morning and it was Friday at 4:30pm?

Oh, that morning she had a 3:30pm appointment cancel for Monday? Leaving her with 1 hour free then entire day?

So we met.

At 3:30pm on Monday.

Do you ever meet someone and you just love them?

There is something so inviting about them that you want to spend more time with them?

She was one of those people.

I had printed off a copy of my unofficial transcripts from ICC.

And she told me about the life experience credit option.

And that they for sure will have the B.A. in Psychology program up and running for Fall '10 semester but if I want to start before then, I could go in as an undecided major and they could tell me which classes to take.

And how my classes from Focus were accredited through CCU so those will for sure count and most of them are 400 level psych classes!

And she gave me a code to wave the application fee.

And then we talked about her two adorable kids.

And their family's Christmas plan and traditions.

And my 15 hour drive home in the morning.

Then we hugged and I left to spend one last Monday night at Northern Churches Care.

So, that's my life.

It's a new year.

With new plans.

New changes. And if history has anything to teach me, there will be more changes along the way.

And although I am still coming to terms with shredding my previous 5-year plan, leaving a job I absolutely love, leaving my friends, family and community, and my home and moving halfway across the country, I am excited for the new life that awaits me.

I know it will be quite the adventure.

And part of my is ready for all the doors for CO to close and be at ISU in the fall.

It is a big possibility that that may indeed just happen.

And I'm ok with that.

But I know that as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other and this is the direction I'm heading and doors keep opening, I'll keep moving.

I know there isn't just one perfect school or one perfect choice, but I can't deny that God has placed a desire in my heart to be in CO and He truly changed my attitude about the entire situation.

I can't wait to see what He's got in store!

i'm so postmodern

2010-01-02T19:14:00.000-06:00

One of my classmates at Focus sent this to us after a class on postmodernism.

Enjoy!

BIG brown eyes

2010-01-01T21:36:00.001-06:00

Last week I went to a conference in Missouri.

One afternoon we came back to our seats after lunch and a family had sat down in the seats beside me.

There was a girl about 14, a boy around 10- both the spitting images of their parents.
Then there were 2 of the most precious brown faces I've ever seen.
A 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl.
Those big brown eyes were absolutely beautiful and completely captivating!

I was curious about their family situation, but couldn't come up with a polite way to ask.

The dad was sitting next to me and after a few minutes, the little girl crawled up on his lap, looked at me and said, "hi".

I said hi and smiled.
The dad was already telling her to ask me my name.
She responded to him with "Ava" and the biggest smile, so pleased with herself.
He looked at her so lovingly and said, "Ask the lady what her name is, don't tell her yours" with a hint of laughter.

To which she again responded, "Ava".

So I said, "Hi, Ava!" My name is Heather" and she gave me a high 5.

She had sat still for as long as she could and wiggled her way out of his lap and back to her toys beside him.

I told him she is beautiful and asked how old she is.

Ava is almost 3 and was adopted from Ethiopia 2 years ago.
Her brother, Bruik, is 5 and was adopted at the same time.

I asked him about his family then.
They have the two biological children, 2 foster boys who were at home in Tennessee, and then the two little ones.

There was a passion and excitement in his voice and his eyes lit up as he talked about his kids.

We had a conversation about why they decided to adopt, a little about their experience, and their desire to do more - to continue to love the lonely.

I shared with him how excited it makes me to see the body of Christ get involved and be obedient to the Biblical command to care for the orphans. What a witness their family is to a lonely world!

As Ava returned to his lap, and gave me another high 5, I shared about my upcoming trip to Zambia in just a few weeks. He blessed me for the trip and promised to pray. And as we said goodbye that evening, his wife (who I hadn't spoken with) touched my shoulder and said their family is praying for our Zambia team.

I just love the body of Christ!
I am praying for complete strangers and they are praying for me.
I never got the name of the parents, just of precious Ava and Bruik.

Ava's big brown eyes broke my heart.
While I rejoice with her and this family, I can't help but think of all the other children who will never have the opportunity to crawl up on a daddy's lap.

I think of all the lives who will never be prayed for by name.

I think of all the tummies going to bed without food.

I think of all the girls who will be forced to give their bodies for men to get pleasure.

I think of all the tears shed from fear and loneliness.

And I think of all those big brown eyes who will never experience God's love.

Yesterday I met with a few of my Zambia teammates. At the end of our meeting, we bowed our heads in prayer for the trip.

Tears came to my eyes as I listened to my two dear friends talk to our heavenly Father.

We all prayed that our time in Zambia will forever change us.

I can feel my heart already begin to change.

It is getting heavier.
And it is getting softer.
There is an ache inside of me.

Sometimes the pain that is in the world overwhelms me.
This is one of those times.

I can physically feel the ache at times.
I want to take all the pain in the world away, yet I know I can't do that.

But I will have the opportunity to share love with around 200 kids.

And this love isn't just temporary and conditional and will leave with us,
but a love from their heavenly Father.

Their Abba, who is waiting for them to crawl up on His lap and look at Him with their big brown eyes and know His love.

Excuse the dust...

2009-12-26T19:00:00.003-06:00

I'm in the middle of making a few changes, so please excuse the random colors (or lack of) while it is in transition.

Let's just hope I don't delete anything important in the process!!

Anyway...

Hope you all had a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

We enjoyed a beautiful snow on Christmas day here in Central IL!!

Home... but not quite yet.

2009-12-26T00:38:00.004-06:00

number of days between now and February 1st I will be home

number of days I will be gone

Your Hands

2009-12-24T06:16:00.000-06:00

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

-JJ Heller

It's Official

2009-12-16T21:06:00.004-06:00

Yesterday...

I gathered with 71 of my dearest friends.

I worshiped, ate, laughed, cried, hugged and remembered the good and the hard parts of the past 3 months.

I gave my dear mentor a hug and shook Doc Leland's hand as he handed me a certificate.

I took a hundred pictures.

I entered reality that this is done.

I officially ended my time at the Focus Leadership Institute.

I was sad to see it end, yet (getting) ready for what is next.

Today...

I said goodbye to my last roommate.

I spent a few hours at my favorite escape recording some thoughts.

I had 2 lovely ladies crash at my apartment for one more night.

I had a reality check with life.

I am no further ahead in understanding so many things.

I have a deeper realization of the love my Father has for me and am embracing that love a little bit more.

It's official- Focus Leadership Institute is forever behind me, but has left a lasting imprint on my life.

The End of the Beginning

2009-12-14T07:30:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that in 2 days it will all be over.

It doesn't feel real.

Part of me wants to stay here in gorgeous Colorado Springs in my little community cocoon forever.
Part of me is ready to be home and return to a normal life (with an income!).
Part of me feels ready to conquer the world.
Part of me feels like hiding in a corner.

These past few months have been amazing!
More amazing than I ever imagined!

I came here expecting an academic and social experience but God had other plans.
This semester was hard and painful, but so worth it.
I feel I like have been put in the fire over and over, in a effort to be refined.

I know that I will still be learning from this semester years down the road.
My time here hasn't given me answers, only more questions (which is VERY frustrating).

So now I continue on my journey.
I'm excited to see what God has in store next.
I'm excited to uncover more of who God is.
To know Him at a deeper level.
And not to simply know who I am, but WHOSE I am.

As I continue to unwrap some of this semester in the months to come, I'll share some of my experiences with you.

I'm so excited I just want to write every experience down and share it with the world.
Yet I know I need to figure a few things out.
So friends, I'll share when the time is right.

I'll leave you with some words from our last class with Doc Leland:

"We're so locked into worrying about the steps that we forget about the dance. You've got an incredible Partner waiting for you Who wants to lead."

So take some time to spend letting your Partner lead you!

I'm going to ZAMBIA!

2009-12-10T07:34:00.001-06:00

When I was young I never wanted to be a teacher or a nurse like most of the other girls I knew. I wrote in my journal that I wanted to be "a missionary in Africa when I grow up".

God has given me many opportunities to experience His love, peace and freedom in my own life, and a desire to share Him with others. Through the years this desire to share Christ, specifically in Africa, has grown.

I am incredibly blessed with the opportunity to travel to Zambia, Africa with a team from Lifesong for Orphans from January 21-31, 2010. I will spend the week there helping lead VBS for around 200 children.

This excites me more than I can express!!

I can't keep from smiling as I think about getting to share Christ’s love with beautiful African children! You could say it is a dream come true for me!!

When I first heard about this trip, I thought it would be impossible to go.
As some of you know, I have spent the past 3 months attending the Focus Leadership Institute (FLI) at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, CO.

Attending FLI was a big step of faith financially (you can read about it here and here). I knew that I could not afford to go to Zambia after the tuition cost for Focus. But God kept affirming to me that He wanted me to go, so I took a step out in faith and signed up, trusting God to provide.

This is where you come in.

I am asking you to partner with me in this trip, both through prayer and financial support.

We covet your prayers as we travel, share Christ with the kids, grow closer together as we grow in Him, and experience Africa.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:12

The total cost of the trip will be covered by each individual.

If you feel moved to support me in monetary form, you can do so online at the
Lifesong For Orphans website by using PayPal.

You can also write checks to “Lifesong for Orphans” with a memo of “Morton Team Support" and send it to:

Lifesong for Orphans
PO Box 40 · 202 N. Ford St
Gridley, IL 61744

Any extra funds not used to cover the trip will help support Lifesong and their mission to bring joy and purpose to orphans.

Your prayerful support is much appreciated!

May God be glorified, and may His love go forth as we experience Africa!!

True Things

2009-12-04T01:07:00.009-06:00

This semester I have been learning who I am.

And who I am not.

I will share more about this, but that is for another time.

For now, I'd like to share a song with you.

I love these words.

And I couldn't have said it better if I tried.

True Things

BY ANDREW OSENGA, JJ AND DAVID HELLER

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing

I’m not a photograph

I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make

I’m not the things I lack

I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am

I am who I am

There are true things inside of me

I have been afraid to see

I believe, help my unbelief

Would you say again what you said to me

I am loved and I am free

I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in

I’m not the man I love

I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat

I’m not what I’m above

I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me

I have been afraid to see

I believe, help my unbelief

Would you say again what you said to me

I am loved and I am free

I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up

In your love I’m waking up

All I Need

2009-12-02T06:17:00.000-06:00

All I Need
by JJ & David Heller

Don’t need a thing
My good Shepherd brings me all
You are all I need

You let me catch my breath
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You, You are all I need

There’s no need to fear
Even with my enemies here
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Goodness and mercy are following me
You’re all that I need
You make a home for me
Where pastures are green as far as I see
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T17:31:00.002-06:00

I tried to write a Thanksgiving post on Thanksgiving but it kept sounding like an UN-thankful post.

Let's blame that on the stomach flu, ok?
Okay.

My Thanksgiving was not how I had planned.
Not at all.
But it ended up being a wonderful day.

Wednesday morning I didn't feel the best.
I had gotten plenty of sleep but still felt exhausted.
My stomach didn't feel quite right either.

I stayed home from a brunch to rest.
Plus the thought of food was not appealing.
That should have been my first clue.
So I went to a local tea house and spent some time reading and journaling.

Warm sunshine on my back.
A china cup and saucer.
Loose pomegranate tea.
My journal, book and pen.
It was just the medicine I needed.

The hours spent at Wisdom Tea House are always treasured.
It's one of those places where the environment is just right.
My mind is clearer there.
My ability to concentrate greater.
And my soul always feels refreshed.
It is one of my favorite spots to escape and refresh.

After that I ran some errands and came home.
I spent my afternoon/evening cleaning.
I had finally gotten pictures printed at Wal Mart so I updated some frames and made stacks of prints for some friends.
I uploaded a few albums of pictures to facebook.

I got a phone call from a friend inviting me over for pancakes and eggs.
I had just eat a hearty dinner of Honey Nut Rice Chex with rice milk and a container of Wallaby raspberry yogurt. I told her I'd be over in a little while... after they had all eaten.

Halfway through organizing my iPhotos on my external drive and scrubbing the metal tray part of the stove burners, I found myself feeling really hot.
Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.
I refused to get strep again.
Did my throat really hurt or was it my imagination?
Then I got sick.
I'll leave out the details, but it was the 'keep a bucket by your side' kind of sick.

Not fun.
And the night before Thanksgiving.
Maybe I ate something.
I had to have eaten something.
Did I eat some gluten?
Some expired food?
Pull the yogurt out of the garbage.
Nope, good till December 8th.
Check the milk.
Good too.
Seriously.
I am NOT sick.

Like clockwork, every half hour.
NOT FUN.
I have a very hazy memory of sitting on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night.
I was having a conversation with God.
It went something like this...

- - - - - - - - -

Me: I feel like I'm going to die. Can I just die? It is my time yet?

God: It's the flu. You will survive.

On Thanksgiving? Seriously?

I know it's Thanksgiving.

But this is the worst Thanksgiving ever. I am away from my family, I can't eat half the food because it has gluten in it, I have the stomach flu and now I can't even go to Winter Park to spend the day with Caroline's family.

Is that all you can think about? Heather, you have much to be thankful for.

I DID have much to be thankful for, but You are slowly taking those things away. Plus I'm sick, I have the right to complain and not be thankful when I don't feel good.

Where did you get that reasoning from? (I could almost hear a hint of laughter in His voice)

Ummmm... Well... I made it up. I don't feel like being thankful. I just want to wallow. I want to cry and scream and blame someone or something for this. I just want to feel better.

Cry and scream then. Get mad at Me. I can take it. But try to look past yourself.
Each week you see people giving thanks not for their amazing circumstances but in spite of them. Heather, have you not observed that? Have you not been amazed? Have you not asked Me to help you have a more thankful heart?

Yes, Lord. But...

But what? I have given you more than you could ever ask for. I love you. And while life isn't always easy for you, I am shaping you and refining you. It's not easy for Me to see you hurting, to watch the tears flow down your cheeks, but I know it is for your best. Do you believe that?

I do. I mean... I want to. I want to want to. But isn't there an easier way? Can't you just make me a thankful person with a thankful heart without having to go through things like this?

This is what will make you a thankful person. This is shaping your character. This is you learning. You may not realize it now, but I've got a bigger plan in store for you. There is more to be learned in this situation, in each situation than you realize. It is in times like this that your true self comes out. It's easy to be thankful when you are surrounded by the people who love you, are in good health, and have all of your material needs met. But what about times like this? You ask me to help you grow and then when I give you a situation to help you do that you complain.

Why did you make me like this? To have to learn the hard way? To have to experience things myself?

Oh, my child! I love you. And I will do whatever it takes to draw you closer to Me. Even if that means sitting with you through the night while you puke. You think this is bad? You call this suffering? Think about My children all over the world tonight who will die in their suffering? Some who will die because they choose to follow Me. Some who will die at the hands of a violent abuser due to the hatred in a heart. Some will die from hungry bellies and thirsty mouths. And others will die from self hate. So you think this is bad? Your suffering is temporary. You are in a warm apartment, with a fridge full of food, picture frames filled with friends, cards and letters from family who love you and binders full of notes and papers from instructors who have dedicated their lives to help you grow in yours.

- - - - - - - - -

At this point I was feeling pretty low and selfish.
Here I was having a pity part for the stomach flu.

Lord, I have much to be thankful for. Even when I don't feel like it. Help me to be thankful in all circumstances. Help me to keep the big picture in mind. Help me to have an eternal perspective. Help me to remember that you are in control and that no matter what You love me and You will be with me through each and every experience in life- good or bad.

Wednesday night was a long night of short periods of sleep.
Thursday morning I slept.
Then I had some quiet time. I reflected on my thoughts the nights before.
I was sad.
I missed my family.
I missed my friends.
I just wanted Thanksgiving to be over.
It didn't feel like Thanksgiving without my family.

Around 5pm my mom called me. She was at Grandma & Grandpa Knobloch's with the whole family. They had just finished up dessert and they passed the phone around. I got to talk to all of my family. It was so good to hear their voices. To hear the ramblings, excited stories, laughs and giggles. I got to spend an hour with my family.

Thank you Lord! My heart feels so full!! Something about hearing everyone and getting to connect with them, even if only over the phone, made me feel conncted with them.

After the phone call, I watched a movie, wrote a paper and then turned in for the night.
This time I slept peacefully all night.
And I awoke Friday with a smile on my face and a new thankfulness in my heart.

C.S. Lewis Song

2009-11-26T16:33:00.003-06:00

C.S. Lewis Song
Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires
Nothing in this world can satisfy
I can only conclude that I
I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
Only light and momentary,
Then of course I’ll feel nude
When to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
Of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
Of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
So we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me

A Heart Like His

2009-11-25T07:34:00.008-06:00

The greatest surprise I have had this semester has been my practicum. The first night I walked into NCC I wanted to walk right back out and give our practicum site coordinator a call.

I was not happy.

I didn't just not like it- I hated it.

It was mass chaos. I overheard a few of the clients sharing tips on how to "play the system" to get the most services at the most agencies.

I'll admit it, I was cynical and just plain mad.

After all, this wasn't the place I chose. Not even close. I wasn't ANY of my THREE choices.

WHY was I there?

These people were demanding, rude, they smelled and I honestly didn't think half of them truly needed assistance.

Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me.

I found out I didn't have a choice to switch to another practicum. I was stuck. I prayed for a better attitude with the least sincere heart I've ever had.

It's sad and embarrassing to admit it, but it's the truth. My heart was no where close to being Christ-like. Nowhere.

The second time I was at NCC I got an overview of the organization. I learned about the population they served and the services offered. I felt as though I actually understood what I was doing now, but I wasn't very excited about it.

Fast forward 2 months.

Monday night as I walked out of NCC, I had tears in my eyes with the thought of having only a couple more weeks there.

It's amazing how God can change a heart... insincere prayers and all!!

Monday night I had an experience that I think will forever stick with me.

I had the opportunity to share Christ with a drunk man (never thought I'd be saying that).

'W' appeared around 65 years old, had a thick head of poorly dyed orange-ish hair and wore a 3 piece suit and tie covered by a long tan leather jacket.

W was filthy.
His clothes were filthy.
He reeked of dirty body and old alcohol.

And his eyes.
They were so sad.
Some of the saddest eyes I've ever seen.

He staggered into the waiting room and I handed him the last number we had for a Thanksgiving basket.

As I gave him the clipboard with paperwork, our eyes met and a few tears slipped out.
The waiting room was filled with 20+ clients and their children.
Doesn't make for a conducive environment for a conversation.
As his shaky hand gripped the pen, I asked him if he was alright.
He said he felt dizzy.
I grabbed him a bottle of water and another volunteer brought him a packet of crackers.

My heart ached.
Just a few short months ago I would have seen him as a smelly, dirty drunk.
I would have condemned his lifestyle.
I would have done my job, but only because it is my job and not out of a loving heart.
I would have had sympathy and felt sorry for him, but not wasted the empathy on him.

I just love how God changes hearts.
I love how He changes MY heart.

I saw W as a broken man.
Yes, he is a drunk.
But instead of my first thought being "If he can afford alcohol then he should be able to afford food" it was "I wonder what happened in this man's life that caused him to turn to alcohol and I wonder how has the alcohol destroyed his life?"

He was a broken man in need of love, Christ's love.

He was our last client that night. The two ladies directly in front of him were taking FOREVER at the food pantry. I was getting annoyed as we close at 7pm and it was 7:45pm at that point. I had been there since 3:30pm and was tired and hungry.

I went into the waiting room and sat down beside W to look over his paperwork and ask him any questions and information he didn't fill out.

We have a few lines on the paperwork that ask for information about their current situation (basically what happened or what is going on in their lives that caused them to need assistance and brought them to NCC) and then a few lines where they can list prayer requests.

W had both sections blank. I asked him why he was at NCC and he said that he didn't have money for food. He said he is old and will most likely die soon and that he is afraid and that he is hungry and lonely. As I asked more questions, he said that he served in the military and has had a problem with holding down a job ever since. His house was torn apart by a bad contractor and he was currently living in his car.

Regardless if his information was all 100% accurate or not, this man was in need of love. He would mumble at times and could hardly talk due to tears at other times. I shared Christ with him and then he gave me permission to pray with him.

I reached my warm, clean hand over and placed it on top of his. I could feel the dirt and see the layer of filth that covered him.
And it hit me. We are equal at the foot of the cross.
This man is an image bearer of God.
This man is broken.
This man is who Jesus came to save.
This man is a sinner, in need of salvation.

I don't know if my dear friend understood a word I said to him, but I pray that he could feel Christ's love from all of us at NCC. I pray that he can have a longing to know the source of that love and that he will come to know Christ as his Savior.

How tenderly and lovingly God reminds me that He is working on me.
That He is working on my heart.
That He is making me more like Him.

At times I feel like He is beating me over the head trying to teach me something (and most likely because I have repeatedly ignored the easier ways). And times like Monday night, I can feel His gentle touch and hear His voice whisper, "My child, LOVE them." And He guides me as to what that looks like with each person.

I know that any love and any good that was displayed in me on Monday night was not of myself.
Praise God for the work He has done in my heart.
Praise Him for the love He has shown me.
Praise Him for the love He has given me to love others with.

S l o w l y He is making my heart to be more like His.
He is giving me eyes to see pain and brokenness.
He is giving my heart love to share compassion.

Life.

2009-11-18T19:37:00.001-06:00

...is frustrating.

Or Colorado is frustrating.

Or life in Colorado is frustrating.

Or Focus is frustrating.

Or my life in Colorado at Focus is frustrating.

I'm still trying to sort this all out.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here.

I still gasp from the beauty surrounding me when I walk to my car each morning.

As the semester begins to wrap up, I began to reflect on my time here. I pulled up old Word documents I had written my excitement about coming here in. I got out my old journal and read the words of wonder and excitement scribbled in black.

I couldn't wait to get here. To experience life in CO, life at FLI, new friendships, growth.

While this time has been exciting, it has also been frustrating.

I planned to come and brush up on my leadership skills, grow more confident in conversing about my faith, get a stronger foundation about what I believe and why I believe it, acquire some marriage and parenting skills, and make some awesome friendships.

I can say that I have done all of those things. Some more than others. Some more or less that I had expected. I had academic expectations and those have been met.

But I haven't met my own expectations.

This semester has been hard for me.
Not being away from home.
Sure, I miss my family and friends, but I can say it hasn't really affected me while I am here.
The academics are intense.
I've given up on attempting to retain any more information.
I just try to get enough information down in my notes so that when I reference it later I'll know what I was trying to capture on paper.

This semester has been one of refinement.
This was not expected.
I was here to grow and have a mountaintop experience, wasn't I?
It was supposed to be a positive experience.
One of growth- but good and easy growth and not hard and painful.

The first time I realized my frustration with this I was sitting in a prof's office, answering the question, "How has your experience been?"
My answer?
"Not as I expected."
As I thought through this to answer the questions that followed, I realized that it really hasn't been as I expected.

It hasn't been one of those wonderfully, amazingly, great, and happy mountaintop experiences, but it has been a mountaintop experience.

It's been a struggle getting to the top though.
It's been filled with lots of growth, pain and refinement.
My heart feels like it has been opened up, cut, pulled, tugged and snipped and put back in.
It hasn't been enjoyable to experience the pain of growth, but through this experience I have been supported.

I have been given the love, support and grace to be open, honest and real.
I have felt safe to question and struggle.
And while I struggled, I was challenged.
Challenged not to give up.
Not to take the easy road.
Not to ignore this opportunity.

I can let this time pass and just do the academics of it and ignore the change and growth God is doing in my heart, or I can embrace it.

And although it hasn't been easy, I've been embracing it.

I have been learning who God is.
Not just the big, Creator God I learned about in Sunday school.
Not the God of justice in the Old Testament.
Not even the God of mercy in the NT.

But the personal, intimate, able to be known God.

Abba. My Father who invites me to run into His open arms and rest.

Where to start?

2009-11-12T22:06:00.000-06:00

Life is going a million miles an hour here in Colorado. I can't believe that this time is starting to come to a close. I don't even want to think about it.

So I won't.

I'm going to think about all the wonderful things I am doing this weekend.

Friday I have Christian Worldview Studies class with Doc. Leeland. Although this has been one of my most frustrating classes, it's been one of the best in challenging my faith and getting me to really think about not just what I believe, but why I believe it. And this past week I had office hours with Doc and he gave me a free book, so he went up on my list. This book is one I can read at my leisure and not be forced to cover 150 pages a night. I'm thinking I may be spending some time over Thanksgiving break at some of the adorable coffee shops here with some hot chai and my new book.

Tomorrow afternoon at 3pm my small group is watching PRIDE & PREJUDICE! And not just any P&P movie, the BBC, 5 hour version! Oh, Colin Firth! This should end in just enough time for my phone date with Taryn! It's been weeks since we've been able to talk and we've been playing phone tag ever since.

Saturday morning I head to Winter Park to my roommate's house there. Her family has a home at the base of the lifts and she invited a group of us up for the weekend. The group leaves Friday but I really wanted to spend time with my small group (and watch Pride & Prejudice) so I'm heading up on Saturday.

The weeks are winding down with the work piling up.

Life after FLI is still unknown. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and had my next few years planned, and then I got out here and I just don't know anymore. I've been looking at schools and had a tour at Colorado Christian University yesterday. They gave me an application fee waiver so I might as well go ahead and apply to have that as an option. The only thing about CCU is that they only have a Psychology undergrad degree- not Social Work. I just don't know.

And that has become a common phrase heard from my lips "I just don't know".

But God does.

This verse was given to me tonight at small group:

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." -Deuteronomy 33:12

Lonely.

2009-11-02T08:14:00.000-06:00

My wallet is lonely for this beautiful little piece of plastic...

Any consolation gifts may be sent to:

870 Robbie View #421
Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Angie came to CO!

2009-10-31T19:56:00.001-05:00

I know I am overdue in updating this blog. So I thought I'd better post something.

But my friend Angie is here with me.
So this will be short.

Angie arrived in Denver yesterday afternoon and is flying back to IL on Sunday evening.

Last night we went to dinner at Olive Garden then Girl's Night at Kelly Sheehe's (FLI staff) house. Angie had a blast getting a chair massage, foot rub, manicure and eating some delicious food! And making 15 new best friends!!!

Today we picked up my friend Annie and headed to the Welcome Center at Focus. Odyssey is in the basement of the Welcome Center and we enjoyed a special treat at Whit's End. We also got to record our own Kid's Radio cd, which is a part of the Adventures in Odyssey audio program. Annie and I read the script and Angie did the sound effects. We had a blast and I had a small laughing fit in the middle of my lines. You'll have to ask Angie to listen to her copy of the CD we made!

After dropping Annie off, we headed to the North Pole. This place reminds me a leftover 1970's amusement park -one that has had little updates since it opened. We paid way too much money for what we saw, but Angie LOVED it! She got a t-shirt, met Santa, fed reindeer, and had hot chocolate at the North Pole (what more could you want to do?)!! We also sent a post card (marked North Pole, Colorado) to the IW ladies.

We then went to a Fair Trade Craft Sale at a local church where she got some coffee and chocolate- the essentials in life!

For supper, we put some foil on our arms and headed to Chipotle for free burritos. Yes, free! Apparently you get a free burrito (or burrito bowl- which is gluten-free) if you dress up as a burrito. And apparently it counts to be "dressed up" as a burrito if you have a 2 inch strip of foil around your wrist.

It's been so good to have Angie here! Each time we go outside I hear, "WHOAH!" as she looks up at the mountains! I love it!

Well, I'd better get back to Angie. It's only 8pm here, but I think we're both going to head to bed soon. Tomorrow we are headed to Denver for church so that means an early morning.

This next week is full, so no promises for a real update. I've got some pictures to post, so if I have some time I'll get those posted.

Goodbye Common Sense

2009-10-22T07:04:00.000-05:00

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home without the burglar suing you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing." -Political Disgust

JellyTelly - MOMs check this out!!

2009-10-19T07:12:00.000-05:00

The third Friday of each month is chapel here at Focus on the Family. Every employee is invited to attend so they shut down the entire ministry from 10am-12pm (even the bookstore and Welcome Center are closed) so we can all gather in the "chapelteria" (chapel + cafeteria) for some worship and to hear an amazing message.

Friday was chapel and the chapelteria was full! This weekend was the Prayer Summit for the Annual National Day of Prayer (held the first Thursday in May). Shirley Dobson organizes and heads up the National Day of Prayer and invites all of her regional and state leaders to Focus for a weekend of planning and prayer. With all the added guests, Focus was buzzing on Friday. The Summit has some great speakers, one of the most entertaining being Phil Vischer (creator of Veggie Tales). During chapel Phil shared with us a new ministry: JellyTelly.

Now I grew up on Veggie Tales (ok, so I was a little old when Veggie Tales first came out, but I still learned many life lessons from them), but they have had to revamp things for this new generation.

Take a look at Phil's new ministry:

JellyTelly

This is the sample they played for us in chapel. It's not what I was expecting from the creator of Veggie Tales (it's just a bit less computer-animated that I expected) but they have a great concept filled with great material! I'm a little out of the children's entertainment culture, but we all got a good laugh out of this. I can totally see some little bodies moving and bopping in front of the screen to these songs.

Prosperity Gospel

2009-10-17T09:02:00.000-05:00

Thursday night at Family Dinner we had the Axis team come and challenge us to do something with our lives. Not something amazing or spectacular, but something small. Commit to something and do it!

They played this video during the presentation. I wanted to stand up and clap!! AMEN!

Justice For All Experience

2009-10-12T09:03:00.002-05:00

*I wrote this on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning of last week but fell asleep before it posted.

It's currently 2am am I am home from 2 of the most physically, mentally and emotionally draining days of my life.

I posted on Saturday and Sunday about doing a Justice For All outreach at the University of New Mexico. At that point, I was feeling nervous and unprepared. I wanted so desperately to surrender my fears to God and leave them in His hands, yet it wasn't going so well. I wanted so badly to believe that God would work in spite of us yet I doubted... Lord, I do believe! Help my unbelief!

In my head I know that God is right here with me. I knew that He would be right there with me at UNM, filling me with His Spirit and working through me. Yet my heart was fearful and afraid to trust Him in such a new and uncomfortable situation.

Let me preface this by saying that debating is not my cup of tea. I like harmony and everyone getting along. I strive to find common ground. I attempt to connect with people on some level. Talking about abortion is a very heated issue and one that hits people at the core. Even if you take the educational viewpoint, there is debate. And UNM being a VERY liberal campus, we got plenty of "dialogue" opportunities.

So, how was my experience?

Hard
Educational
Surprising
Exciting
Different
Good
Refreshing
Exhausting

I don't mind sharing my views on things (as many of you have read on this blog). When there is an issue that I feel passionately about, I feel compelled to advocate for it.

Our issue: Life. Yes, I feel passionately about life and the topic of abortion. Yet I had never been forced to share my views about it to people who are hostile and hate me for taking a stand.

NOT liking confrontation at all (I typically like advocacy work because it gets people to agree and on your side of the point of view, and often it is issues that I feel like I have a basic understanding of) made this experience challenging.

To start with, I felt very unprepared. We literally had a crash course for 6 hours on Friday. I don't know about you, but I need to hear the info and practice dialoguing a few times before I really feel like I understand it all well enough to intelligently talk about it. Lord, I will need your words. Empty me of myself and fill my heart and mouth with your Spirit. Speak through me.

Monday morning, after a short 411 time, we were taken to the exhibit. This thing is massive. We saw a smaller scale one during our training and we were told the real one is 20+ feet high, but I just didn't expect it to be so big (I am a woman and numbers mean nothing to me when used for distance or size ). There was NO way to miss it. Staring at a 5ft. high picture of an aborted baby does not sit well in the stomach at 10am. Lord, I can't do this. I feel sick. PLEASE don't let me throw up. Help me to hold it together and not fall apart or burst into tears. Lord, my heart aches. I can't image how You feel about this...

For the first hour we stood there, instructed only to listen to the JFA staff engage students in conversation. That was not a problem for me- I would gladly listen. After the first hour, we paired up and set off to find the kindest looking person viewing the display. We would find someone who had stopped walking to look at and read the display, slowly and nonchalantly approach them and strike up a conversation.

The easiest ways to get their opinion and their thoughts on abortion is to ask, "So, what do you think about this?" or "This is pretty intense, isn't it?" Their answer to either question gave us an idea of which direction the conversation would go in.

On Monday, the first 3 or 4 people I talked to were pro-life. When talking to a pro-life person, the conversation typically includes the following points:

their opinion on the display (just because they are pro-life doesn't mean they are in support of a 20+ft display of aborted babies in the middle for their campus),
their foundation or reason for being pro-life (common sense that killing a fetus is murder, scientific proof, spiritual/religious beliefs, or that is just how they were raised and don't really know why but they just are),
the need to educate people on the reality/truth of abortion,
if they are interested in joining the pro-life club on the UNM campus that sponsored JFA to come.

I was so thankful that my first conversations were pro-life. Once you hear, "Oh, I am pro-life and I think that abortion is wrong and it is murder" you breathe a sigh of relief. But you still have to do some digging. A LOT of individuals will tell you "abortion is wrong... for me." so that means a little more investigating. Typically they only agree with abortion in the case of rape or the mother's life being at risk. Statistically speaking, only 1.5% of all abortions are done because of rape. And if they are Catholic or Christian the conversation heads in the direction of God being in control and also the value of each life created in His image.

Actually, all of my conversations except for 2 were with pro-life students. Thank you, Jesus!
The two there weren't were interesting.

One was with a homosexual male who chose not to acknowledge that a male has any say in abortion because it is the woman's body. He also went into how he believes that we are not human until we have conscious thought. I asked him to describe conscious thought and he said that it is memories and intelligent thought. This immediately brought to mind a newborn and the elderly with dementia. He didn't want to discuss either of those groups with me and just kept saying, "It's the woman's body. It's the woman's choice." He ended our conversation by telling my he had class, taking a bow and walking away.

The other pro-choice one was with another guy who was there with his girlfriend. My partner started talking to the girlfriend and they actually had a pleasant conversation. This guy though would acknowledge that it is a baby after birth and that nothing has changed since before birth so the unborn is a baby. He himself said that and agreed that it is wrong to kill a living child yet he said that since the laws of our land say it is legal, then it is ok. And it is the woman's choice because it is her body. I pray he never has to experience a choice his girlfriend makes that will later cause him to realize that it is very much his choice also. After some major circular conversation, he said that we had a point, were right about it being a life yet legally we can choose to abort and walked away for class. Lord, may his heart be softened by you! Let him see the reality of what he is saying and what he believes.

The conversation that left the deepest impact on me was my last conversation on Tuesday. A girl walked up to the Free Speech Board and stood there reading it. As I took a step toward her, she reached up and grabbed the marker. She wrote something along the lines of: “I see that all of you who are pro-choice have already been born”. I asked her what she thought of the exhibit and she said that she is pro-life in every and all circumstances and that it was awesome and thanked us for shedding light on this issue. I was curious about her reasoning for being pro-life and after a scientific few reasons, she added quietly, “and I am a Christian”. It warmed my heart to hear those words. We spent the next 20 minutes talking about how she is being persecuted for sharing her faith and beliefs on campus, yet she is bold! She asked if I could and would do this on my campus and I told her that I honestly would have a hard time. We continued to talk for close to 45 minutes when she had to leave for class. We prayed together and she walked away. It gave my heart such hope to know that even after we are gone, the Lord is still very present and working on hearts because of the light shed by students like Morgan who are willing to stand up in the face of persecution.

JFA was not the most enjoyable experience for me, yet God used it to soften my heart towards a very serious and horrible thing. I know that abortion is wrong and murder, but it was just facts in my head. As we had previously talked about it a class, the information finally traveled the 18 inches down to my heart and it has now become a topic and cause that I feel passionately about. The reality of it sunk in. And once that happens, you can't help but to feel strongly about the killing of innocent life.

Aspen

2009-10-09T13:14:00.000-05:00

Aspen in the wind...

Justice For All

2009-10-04T07:55:00.002-05:00

Today at noon we leave for UNM (University of New Mexico) to participate in a Justice For All (JFA) outreach.

Please read through my post from yesterday to find out more about JFA and what we will be doing.

More than anything, we need your prayers.

Abortion

2009-10-03T10:41:00.001-05:00

Abortion.

There are few words here in America, especially on college campuses, that evoke more emotions.

At the Institute we spent the day Friday receiving training from an organization called Justice For All.

Justice For All (JFA) has a simple mission:

"The mission of Justice For All is to train thousands to make abortion unthinkable for millions, one person at a time."

Abortion takes the lives of 4,000 unborn babies in the United States each day. When I think of 4,000 I am overwhelmed, but when I think of ONE child that I know, the reality hits hard.

The method of presentation is intense. Take a look at the JFA website for a few minutes to get a glimpse of the display they set up. I must warn you that it is filled with several very graphic images of post-aborted babies. The images are not meant for children and are difficult to look at and really process.

BUT they are reality. Just because something is gross and hard does that mean we ignore it? Does that mean that something so absolutely horrible should be allowed to continue because Christians don't want to face it?

The first time I saw pictures of post-aborted babies was when I was doing some research on abortion last year. I googled "abortion", clicked on "Images" and then ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Just clicking on the website is safe. There is one picture of a healthy, growing embryo on the main page. The exhibit that we will be using at UNM to evoke thought and conversation can be seen by clicking on the Virtual Exhibit link. CLICK WITH CAUTION: IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC.
(The exact images you see on the virtual exhibit will be put up on display at UNM.)

I am not sure yet how much I agree with their approach, but it is better than what most of us do: NOTHING. We don't agree with legalized abortion, we have no problem talking about how inhumane abortion is, or thinking that all pro-choice individuals hate babies and are murderers. BUT we do nothing about it. JFA's approach is very in-your-face and intense. But the testimonies of lives saved makes the uncomfortableness and ridicule we will receive worth it.

From 8am-2:30pm on Friday my class received a crash course on how to dialogue using the display. Needless to say, I feel completely unprepared. We leave Sunday around noon for the six-hour drive. Monday and Tuesday we will spend on UNM campus with the display. For the first hour on Monday we are not allowed to speak, only listen. JFA has a group of about 15 regular staff/volunteers who will take over during that hour so we can observe them in action. After the first hour, we get to engage with the students.

I am excited yet terrified. It excites me to engage with people. To hear their stories, to see where they are at and to find out where they want to go. I know that I have a Hope to offer them. I am terrified because I still feel like I can not eloquently engage in a conversation with someone who sides on the pro-choice side and share my side in an intellectual, loving, and winsome way. I know that the majority of my classmates feel the same way.

PLEASE PRAY with us as we take the step out of our comfort zones to share the truth.